Forty Wishes

How I came to my word for 2012

2012-01-08T19:39:00.000-08:00

I was surprised at how easy it was to recognize nourish as my word for 2012. I did my annual review and set some intentions for the new year and it was just there, waiting for me. Hello it said. I'm here for the new year. What about you?

It felt easy and I knew it was right because of the lesson I learned in December:

One of my words for 2011 was "surrender" and I think that my expectation for the word--and for the year--was for me to be more accepting of the circumstances around me, and maybe even to "go with the flow" at times.*

But somewhere over the course of the year I decided that surrender was probably more about limply laying there. And about letting people and circumstances roll over you. Well, I didn't want any of that. So I decided I would NOT surrender! And then it was as if I was under seige! I had to batten down the hatches** and stand my ground and NOT GIVE AN INCH. No matter what! I would not lose ground!***

Then all sorts of things started going wrong.

I started seeing cracks everywhere. I became super-critical of my team at work. Projects weren't being done "fast enough" or in the style I wanted or in the transparent manner that I expect. We just made it through a couple key milestones and have to deliver more and better things - the pressure was ON - and we had implemented some new processes in order for things to work better, faster, smoother and it was not all clicking or falling into place and I felt like I had to hold everything together, to clamp down, to be more involved if we were going to keep changing, keep growing, keep improving....

I was working all day and coming home and working for a few hours at night. I could not see how I could break this cycle - after all, my team CLEARLY needed me to be right there in the trenches with them, and if I didn't do things myself, how would they get done???!!!

And then the Universe gave my ego a big smackdown.

I was heading to my favorite bookstore when I saw this bumper sticker:

And I did what I normally do when this happens - I laughed. Out loud.

You see, I had been mistaking surrender for accept change no matter what and I didn't want that. I wanted things to change, but I wanted it to go A CERTAIN WAY and I got fixated on whether the change was right or wrong (I was very judgmental, as you might have guessed!) and if I thought the change was wrong, I spent a lot of time and energy struggling against it. As if that would do any good.

2011 did not go as I thought it would**** but, it turns out, it went the way I needed it to. I needed it to be that hard. I needed to be put into situations where I could learn as much as I did, as quickly as I did. I think I needed to see that I am capable of all that I thought I might be. I know I needed to figure out - over and over - how not to throw in the towel and how not to settle for less. Unfortunately I did those things at the expense of my wellbeing.

That's how I knew nourish was the word for me and when it showed up, I smiled.

I'm so glad you're here I said. I'm ready for you now.

xoxo

*As a general rule: I don't flow.
**And all sorts of other crazy pirate metaphors. Shiver me timbers!
***Honestly. SO dramatic.
****This might be an understatement.

Up Close with IG 1.4.12

2012-01-04T08:07:00.000-08:00

1.4.12

I am thinking about...

- Nourishment. It's my word for 2012, and I mean nourishment in all things. In activities, people, actions - whenever I am faced with a choice, I ask what will nourish me the most? I know I won't always be able (and sometimes I won't want) to choose the most nourishing path, but the awareness I have gained from this intention has been very powerful already.

I am grateful for...

- 2011. I thought 2010 was really hard, but 2011 was a roller coaster of its own sort. And I got to see just how strong I am and how much potential I have for more.

I am listening to...

- The quiet.

I am ready to...

- Thrive. In a big way.

The coolest experience of the past week was...

- Eating dinner at my dining room table with proper chairs. I used to have a set of chairs that were just a smidge too short for the table. Sitting on them felt like when I was a kid eating at the grownup table (you know, chin at table height) - they weren't that short, but they were just off enough to be a bad match for the table and I never used them. I got rid of those a couple years (!) ago and have been eating at my desk and on the couch (and in the kitchen) ever since. But I couldn't put my S.O. through that again so I went out and found four great chairs on super-sale (yay!) and they are perfect. We had a few delicious meals at the table together last week, but last night I made myself dinner (wilted kale with a poached egg) and sat down at the table, all by myself, and I savored my meal. As if that wasn't enough, I got the very clear sense that this is a harbinger of more to come in 2012.

This kicked me in the pants...

- A family friend passed away. Her husband is my father's business partner and closest friend. My family grew up with theirs - I used to babysit their kids (even though the oldest is only a year younger than me) - we took family vacations together. I have never been alive without her. This was the first time that the sorrow I felt was larger than myself. I ache for her widower who made every provision so that she would be okay after his death. He is wholly unprepared for life without her and all I want to do is take him out to dinner so that he doesn't eat alone. I am so sad for her sons - my friends - who lost their mom just before their favorite holiday. And I'm so grateful that my memory of Sandy is that we laughed A LOT. We kids took great delight in making her laugh, and I love the memory of how it felt when she burst into open, happy laughter. Thanks, Sandy. I miss you and love you.

I am reading...

- Back issues of The Atlantic. The other day I sat down on the couch and just read and read. It was heaven.

The thing I realized this week is...

- Anything's possible if you've got enough nerve. (JK Rowling said that) The trick for me is to figure out where I'm losing my nerve (or settling for less) and decide if it's worth it for me to face up to whatever is going on, because the whole world is open to me.

I am looking forward to...

- This morning at work...NO MEETINGS!

I know for sure...

- I come from good people.

At year's end

2011-12-24T11:31:00.000-08:00

Our office is closed next week and yesterday, as my teammates gathered up their things and one by one said goodbye and wished each other happy holidays, it finally struck me that that the year was over for us.

We made it.

I don't know what 2012 will bring, but I know that if I can endure a year like this one at work and still close it with a healthy, happy, collaborative team, some great successes, and the perfect pair boots*, I can't have anything but hope for the future.

I know there's more for me to do, there's more room to grow, and there's so much more to learn. How lucky I am.

So it is with optimism, a deep well of strength, a big fat pocketful of courage, and an open heart that I welcome the new year.

Happy holidays, dear friends. Thank you for your companionship on this journey. Here's to the road ahead.

xoxo

*They are really pretty and I feel like a rock star when I wear them. I'm pretty sure I could kick someone's butt AND run for congress in them.

At the end of my comfort zone

2011-12-14T07:43:00.000-08:00

This is a story about something that happened a few months ago, but it is still with me, so I thought I would share it.

I was in a waiting room and saw a magazine on the table next to my seat. I wanted to pick it up, but I resisted. Why? Because it was "body" magazine (it was "shape" or "self" or one of those) with a bikini-clad actress on the cover (and one I don't like very much). Those types of magazines tend to raise my ire, making me feel all judgmental about myself and other women, including any celebrity on the cover.*

So I sat there rather self-righteously, very much NOT reading that magazine** but still glancing up at it every now and then to make sure nobody else was reading it either.

I found this all very amusing, to be honest. I wasn't having a ton of angst over this magazine, but I was having some...and for what?***

I ended up waiting longer than expected and finally got over myself and picked up the magazine. As I was flipping through it, the pages literally fell open to this quote from author Neale Donald Waslch:

Life begins at the end of your comfort zone.

And I smiled, as I always do when things like this happen.

You see, I have been spending a lot of time at the far far edge of my comfort zone. I'm there just about every day right now, but I am spending less of my energy worrying about or resisting the things that are unfamiliar. I am learning to notice those things but not let them trip me up too much - I figure I'll sort them out at some point when they become important enough.

In the past I would get really hung up on the things I didn't know or understand. How would I know how to act? What people would expect of me? How could I be perfect if I didn't know what other people wanted me to be?

Those were days when I desperately clung to my comfort zone.

I'm so over that.

What I discovered at the end of my comfort zone is that I when I stop angsting over the discomfort, I am actually just fine. Actually, that's not quite true. I am more than fine. I am great. I am authentic, I am fierce and I am alive.

I found this quote from theologian Howard Thurman many years ago:

If you want to know what to do, don't ask what the world needs.

Ask what makes you come alive and then go do that

because what the world needs is people who have come alive.

I used to ask what the world needed. Tell me what to do, who to be, how to act, and I'll do that. I didn't know how to come alive - to have a good sense of self, to be able to make authentic and real decisions, to trust my own sense of what was right for me and to know that if I acted from a place of truth and love and generosity, that I would be incapable of making a "wrong" choice.

But I get it now. And I am never going back.

I know for sure that I have been given this time in my life to hone these skills, to make this feeling - this alive-ness - as normal to me as breathing.

I still have moments of doubt. I still wrestle with things that are unfamiliar, but I notice sooner when I'm stuck and I have learned to take a step back, to try a different approach, and even sometimes (gasp!) to ask for help.

Because the thing that Neale and Thurman forgot to mention is that when you get to the end of your comfort zone, when you come truly alive, you will find lots of other courageous seekers there too and you will - we will - never actually journey alone after that.

*Never mind the fact that the magazine is an inanimate object that cannot make me do or feel anything.
**Seriously. It was as if I was saying NO! I WILL NOT PICK YOU UP! Super dramatic!
***I don't have an answer for this yet, but I have noted the question.

Up close with I.G.

2011-12-11T08:58:00.001-08:00

I had seriously good coffee here!

I have about 40 blog posts half written and the latest one feels really important but I'm having trouble telling the story. So, as a way of dealing with my writer's block, I started messing with the new blogger templates. Have you seen them? I think this one (particularly the "flipcard" and "mosaic" views) helps connect all the pieces of my journey in a way that a linear blog doesn't. So I'm switching over, not only as a way of making up for my lack of posts lately, but because I think it's better. Thank you, Blogger team!

I can't figure out how to restore my sidebar items, so "Up close with Intrepidgirl" is going to be its own post (or a series of posts) for a while (or from now on - I'm honestly not sure if I'll ever get the sidebars worked out!). Some of the formatting is wonky (like the photo captions) but everything will get sorted out. In the mean time, play with the different views and see which one(s) work best for you.

I hope you are all well - I'm sending warmest greetings out across the blogosphere to you. xoxo IG

12.11.11

I am thinking about...

- This feeling I have. It feels like I've found my rhythm and I've gotten my mojo back, but different than before. I don't quite know how to describe it except to say that I'm calm. I'm really really curious about this new state of being. I like it.

I am grateful for...

- All of the liberty that I have.

I am listening to...

- Music-wise, nothing, really. Just old playlists that make me want to sing along.

- But spirit-wise? I'm listening to the many words of wisdom around me and trying to absorb them and apply them. Last week I took action too hastily when I wanted something done and I inadvertently undermined someone on my team. Not horribly, but I could have avoided it. This week, when faced with the same kind of situation, I took time to include her and to let her lead the change, which she did brilliantly.

I am ready to...

- Knit a little tiny hat for a brand new little tiny baby. Welcome to the world, Phoebe!

The coolest experience of the past week was...

- Three really big things happened in the span of 24 hours, but the cool part is that I had been dreading all of them and they actually ended up better than I could have dreamed. The short version: 1) my car had to go to the shop, warranty expired one month ago, repairs were going to be super-expensive, and the company agreed to extend the warranty to cover it. Yay! 2) My heater went kaput. No heat. No nothing. I called for service, expecting it would require a whole new system but it was just that my old thermostat had died! Now I have an awesome new digital, programmable thermostat. 3) It looks like we are getting a new boss. Well, I mean, we ARE getting one - we were told on Friday about the person and apparently this person is considered THE catch in this field. One of my colleagues used to work with this person and said specifically that this would be great for me. I am cautiously optimistic, but the glass is most assuredly half-full tonight.

This kicked me in the pants...

- I saw a woman today crossing the street. She was near an excellent shelter and I am sure she is able to get services and food when she wants them, but I'm also pretty sure that her situation is not good. She was walking slowly - as if walking was painful - and she had on mismatched boots. I think what really made me ache was that she was walking away from the shelter. I wish I knew where she was walking to.

I am reading...

- I have decided that I am done reading catalogs! I am catalogue-d out (for now, at least) and I am reading knitting patterns and reacquainting myself with my yarn stash.

The thing I realized this week is...

- I can do this. All of it. I really can.

I am looking forward to...

- Giving the gifts that I am wrapping tonight.

I know for sure...

- I am a half-full type of person.

Inviting Magic

2011-11-26T21:36:00.001-08:00

I am asking Magic to come back into my life.

Dear Magic,

I miss you.

In my everyday life, I do a lot of planning. And organizing. And executing. I manage a lot of people, I operate a wonderful office in a fantastic organization and there are things that are so fulfilling and so wonderful about what I do.

But I am noticing a tremendous lack of magic.

I was revisiting my own mondo beyondo list today. It's a DOOZY, let me tell you, and it's full of awesome magic-ness. I love my m.b. list and I'm so proud of myself for writing it. It's BOLD. And it's true and real and so completely awesome.*

Where I am today is 100% because of my mondo-beyond-ness.

But there's a decided lack of magic.

So I am hereby asking the Universe for a whole lot more magic in my life.

Thank you, Universe.

xoxo

*I have to give myself props for this list. It rocks.

So thankful

2011-11-24T10:37:00.001-08:00

I noticed the other day how grateful I am for people.

A waitress delicately brewed a cup of coffee for me last weekend that made me want to weep. It was art.

I am witnessing the blossoming of a friend. She spins songs like silk threads - delicate and strong and beautiful.

I know a poet who leads women on transformative journeys to their most radiant selves. I'm in love with her work. I have witnessed its power. I'm terrified to go there myself but I know that she will be there when I'm ready.

A postcard arrived the other day from a dear friend. It is the latest in a many-years-long series of magical gifts - every one arrives exactly when I need something, with exactly the thing I need.

The people I need in my work life keep appearing. So at the same time as I feel exposed and alone in some arenas, I feel solidly grounded, supported, and partnered in the places where long-term impact begins.

I have a sweater that used to belong to my father and now that the evenings are cold, it is the thing I pull on when I get home from work and it gives me comfort as well as warmth. I'm pretty sure he gave me the sweater voluntarily but I love having it so I'm not planning to ask if he wants it back!

I read some of the love letters written between Lyndon and Lady Bird Johnson during their eleven-week courtship. From the House of Representatives, he wrote: All day Sunday I waited for Monday and a letter from you. Disappointed Monday I longed for Tuesday - longed for a word from you. The last mail has just been delivered and I will look forward to getting a word from my love tomorrow. That they wrote these letters, and that they were preserved and saved so that I could read them feels like a miracle.

There are a few women whose blogs I read faithfully. I almost never comment but I am so grateful that I am given the opportunity to witness their journeys. I find inspiration and nourishment there - it's like they've set out little nuggets for their fellow travelers.

Before mon beau I felt like I held my breath a lot of the time. I don't do that anymore.

I am going to spend the rest of the day with my family. There was a period of time when they made me crazy, when I felt like I just chafed against them. Now they are the softest place I know. I am so grateful that they are my foundation, my roots, my home.

I am so blessed.

For all of these people, for all of you, and for so much more, I am truly, deeply, thankful.

xoxo

Accepting these things

2011-10-12T21:02:00.000-07:00

The street leading to the NY Public Library is lined with poetry in bronze.

I realized this morning that I have been waiting for things to ease, thinking* that the intensity and the pressure of my everyday life would subside one of these days.

I just figured this was all temporary. As if things would go back to "the way they were" if only the right combination of things would happen. But I also realized this morning that things aren't going to ease. And they're never going back.

Because I didn't sign up for the slower paced life.

I signed up for a life of leadership. I signed up for a bigger playing field than before and I have my sights set on even bigger ones. I signed up for the big leagues and I am here so it's time to stop waiting for things to slow down, to ease up or to be assigned to someone else.

Instead, it's time to start figuring out how I'm going to take exquisite care of myself, how I'm going to pace myself, protect my health,** build my strength, and while I'm at it, invite as many wonderful people as possible to join me in this great adventure.

* hoping, really.

**and sanity.

Finding room for more

2011-09-03T19:24:00.000-07:00

The theme in yoga this morning was there's always room for more and we played with that concept in many different ways.

We started by sitting still and breathing. Take a full breath, my teacher said. I emptied my lungs and took a full inhale. Good, he said. Now sit taller and breathe in more. I grounded my seat and extended my neck - I was surprised that I could find more tallness. Into the additional space, I welcomed more breath or prana which in yoga is "life force."

He pushed us to work really hard today - to seek more space, to find more room for breath, for extension, for growth. To find room for more than we might seek on our own, especially in poses that are familiar, that we do "all the time."*

It was really powerful.**

I'm usually pretty self-contained in yoga - I focus on my own actions, I face my own fears. I listen to the voice of the teacher, I do what I can*** and I rest when I need to. I did all those things today. But I also did something more: I looked around. There came a time in class when I had exhausted my own abilities in a sequence and I took child's pose, but instead of keeping my head down and keeping myself contained like a turtle in its shell, I looked at the people around me. The teacher was still talking, so I figured someone in class would still be following his instructions. In fact, I figured that most people were still with him and that I was in the minority - or perhaps the only one - who was in repose.

I was wrong. Of our class of 30, all were in child's pose like me, but two women had - somehow - found room for more. It was inspiring to watch them move through the rest of the asanas, guided by our teacher, each aware only of her own movements, her own breath.

I can't tell you what additional poses they did - I just felt like seeing them do more was such a gift. It was inspiring - it made me see where I want to take my own practice - and I'm so grateful for that.

I have been going through life with my head down a lot lately. I've pushed myself and I have sought refuge when I needed or wanted a break. But I am ready for more and today's class was a reminder to me that is is ok to be independent and to look around - because there might be people near me who are modeling what I need to see.

This weekend I am cleaning out my house. I need to get rid of things that no longer serve me so that I can make room for more. It's time for different things in my life, and I am ready.

xoxo

* It was really hard, and it was so awesome.
**This might be an understatement.
***or, more accurately, I attempt what I can!

The coming miracle

2011-08-28T12:26:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago I was in Lake Geneva, WI* with mon beau and we went for a drive around the lake. We were having a good but kind of hard conversation about the future and I was feeling a little bit dejected because there aren't any simple answers. There's no easy fix to our long-distance-ness or the complexity of our situation and I really wish there was.

And just as I sat back in my seat feeling like the obstacles in our path might be insurmountable, I looked out the window and saw this:

I'm not kidding.

It has been a long time since I have had such a blatant sign which is pretty telling. There are little signs all the time, but I'm blue enough that the Universe has gone past the printed word - this sign is made out of metal.**

This was so powerful because it made me realize how much I was putting on myself. I was struggling because I couldn't figure out what I could do to fix/change things, as if the responsibility for everything was on me and if I could just do the right thing(s), everything would work out the way I want it to.

As if any of that is really up to me.

I am in the midst of huge growth and change - both at work and personally - and the other thing I realized with this sign is that I am back to being a caterpillar in a cocoon again. It feels like I am struggling in the dark to escape the things that confine me and that none of my efforts result in a real breakthrough. But that's because it's not time yet. I'm not ready yet.

The thing for me to remember is that I already know how it feels to emerge into the light as an asskicking, gorgeous butterfly.

It feels like a miracle.

And that's pretty awesome since - according to the signs - a big fat miracle is on the way.

xoxo

*Because he had a conference there.
** And OMG, THANK YOU, Universe. I really needed it.

Giving thanks

2011-07-25T20:16:00.000-07:00

In all things give thanks

I remember when my friend Lisa said those words to me and I hear her voice as I read them. I think Lisa is amazing. She is a vibrant, whole, real, deeply beautiful, soulful, spiritual, graceful woman* and her words were so powerful to me. They still are.

I'm in the biggest trial(s) of my life and I could not be more grateful.

It's hard** but it's real and I feel every single one of the supports that the Universe has put in place for me.

And in this - and all things - I give thanks.

xoxo

*This might be an understatement.

**This also might be an understatement.

we are an ocean

2011-06-03T21:55:00.000-07:00

Individually, we are one drop

Together we are an ocean

- Ryunosuke Satoro

I found this quote today. I don't know who Ryunosuke Satoro is (was?) but I am grateful for this statement because it is how I feel about my team at work.

A year ago, we were a bunch of individual drops.

Today we are an ocean.

xoxo

I love commencement time of year...

2011-05-30T21:30:00.000-07:00

....because right now, a lot of really bright people say some really inspiring things.

Today's installment comes from Tom Hanks addressing the senior class at Yale on their "Class Day."

Your new career, he said to the soon-to-be-graduates, is a permanent one: to stand on the fulcrum between fear and faith - fear at your back, faith in front of you.

I was thinking today about the faith I have developed - in myself, in where I am, and in this path no matter where it leads. This part is hard and there are times when I want to give up, but then what? I would just be stuck here in this crappy place of fear and smallness and I didn't come this far just to settle for that.

It's so easy to complain about the smallness and the bickering around me* but the thing I realized is that when I can see fear, it's because I have turned my back on faith, and all I have to do to right myself is to turn myself back around.

*I should know - I've been complaining a lot lately.

What the Dalai Lama said

2011-05-25T21:28:00.000-07:00

I have to tell you about work. Well, no, not about work but about the people at work and how they have been driving me ABSOLUTELYFLIPPINGNUTS.

It is really something.*

I'm just not wired this way. I am just exactly who I am, which is why dealing with people who think politics and posturing is the same as progress...well...it's just ridiculous, if you want my two cents.**

But I'm also really mindful these days that all this...noise, all this silliness, this frenzy and activity - I think it's all distracting for a reason.

Because I recently remembered a quote from Anne Lamott about a man who works with the Dalai Lama.

He said gently that he believed that when a lot of seemingly meaningless things started going wrong all at once, it was to protect something big and lovely that was trying to get itself born -- that, in other words, perhaps it needed for you to be distracted so it could be born perfect.

On one hand - hooray! Something big and lovely is in the works.*** But on the other hand...hurry up!
Are you with me?
xoxo

*This might be an understatement.
**or even if you don't. Thanks for listening. xxoo
***How cool is that!????!!!!!! Yay!!!!!

On being okay...and swimming.

2011-04-25T21:09:00.000-07:00

My feet, perched over the Rio Grande river, just outside Taos NM.

The past two weeks have been kind of nuts. I have discovered a lot of things about my (now ex-) boss that have made me keenly aware of his fallibility.

He let me down* and that's kind of hard to take. So I've been kind of muddled lately.

But I'm also coming into a new level of clarity. I realized today that not only am I okay, I am actually doing really well. I am healthy and whole and I am leading my team and myself in exactly the right direction, and I did that all on my own. My (now ex-) boss didn't pick this direction or this tenor or make the choices that got us here. I did.

I used to think that this job was the biggest thing that had ever happened to me, but that was while my (now ex-) boss was here. It turns out that his leaving is the biggest thing that has ever happened to me. This has opened up the entire world for me. This has put me at the forefront.

THIS is where I sink or I swim.

And I choose to swim.

xoxoxo

*big time

What happened this week

2011-04-17T10:28:00.000-07:00

My boss resigned.

My beloved boss, the reason I wanted this job, the reason I have LOVED this job, the catalyst for me realizing that my capacity for growth, courage and vision were FAR beyond the limits I had imagined for myself...he isn't at the office anymore.

He told me. I called a meeting of our entire department. And then he told them.

This is abrupt, but it is for personal and family reasons that are tremendously important and if there had been any alternative to stepping down like this, he would have taken it. But there wasn't.

The President of our organization was there for the announcement and said a few words. Then he looked at me and the three others who report(ed) to my boss and said why don't we sit down and talk? and off we went. I grabbed a notepad and left my team behind in the stunned silence of that room.

It was about an hour later that I returned and gathered my team once again. I told them about what transpired in the President's office. The president said how proud he is of all that we have accomplished I told them, he said that we are doing everything right and that our job now is to keep going. I told them how my three colleagues and I will share leadership of the Division, that we're going to work together and that we didn't know when the organization might start to look for my boss's replacement.

I asked if there were any questions.

How are you doing? someone asked.

I looked around the room at the fifteen faces looking kindly, earnestly, seriously at me. I felt myself tear up and took a deep breath, but my surface had already cracked.

I am heartbroken I replied, my voice breaking. I shrugged my shoulders with a gesture of what-can-you-do and I tried to smile. I blinked back tears. And then the nicest thing happened:

Every member of my team took a step closer to me.

I could feel them wanting me to know that they were there for me and for each other. I think they wanted me to feel like things would be okay again one day, and in that moment I understood that they will be.

Honestly.

2011-03-26T08:17:00.000-07:00

The past few weeks have been so difficult on so many levels and I have been stretched to my absolute limits.

But you already knew that, didn't you?*

I knew things were off. I mean, I could feel how hard things were but kept thinking that I would make a breakthrough of some sort - that I would turn a corner or meet a deadline - and things would all settle into place.** The problem is that I kept taking on more and more without shedding anything and this week I just ran out of steam.

In retrospect, this really isn't a surprise. Over the past few weeks I have lost my cool several times and that alone should have tipped me off to the severity of the problem. But it didn't.***

Last weekend I met two very dear friends, one for Friday dinner the other for brunch on Saturday. We caught up and shared where we are in our lives and both of them listened to me talk and then each, gently and lovingly, said:

You are dealing with a lot. What are you doing to take care of yourself?

And to both I gave an honest answer: nothing.

I have been trying to power through, to absorb much of the friction that occurs around me, to try to flex deeply so that I help the people around me make the transitions that I am asking and leading, to model the collaboration that I expect from my team. And all of this is important and valid, but not at the expense of my well being.

I have actually gotten myself into a bit of a hole: I need help at work but I have not figured out how to make time in my schedule to get through all the resumes that are queued up for the positions I have open. I have been talking about hiring freelance help for weeks but can't make time to get the paperwork in order. The thought of spending hours and hours interviewing people just makes me twitchy because it feels like so much will go undone - and pile up (on my plate) - in the mean time.

But what I realized is that even as I am stretched to my limits, it is not time to retreat or hide, it is time to stretch some more.

I also returned last night to one of my words for the year: surrender.

Part of the reason I have gotten so worked up over things lately is because I'm trying to control things that feel out of control to me. But it's time to release the things that really are not mine to carry. That's hard for me to do. I'm strong I think to myself, I'll just take this on.

But there's a limit to my strength and last night I reached it. I felt fragile and depleted for the umpteenth night in a row and I finally decided that I deserve better.

So I emailed a friend and hired her to help me at work and I felt a huge weight lift off my shoulders.
This morning I woke up (before 5 am, without an alarm, again) because my mind was racing. But I know that's okay this one last time.

I made a list of things to do and I will do them.
I have to go to a volunteer meeting today at the office, and I will do that.
But then I will go to yoga and I will love it. And tonight no matter how tired I am I will go to the birthday party for some dear friends because seeing them will nourish me in more ways than sitting home on my couch could ever do.

It might take me a little while to get fully back to myself but I have set my course and made the first adjustment to my sails - it won't be long before I capture the wind.

xoxo

*You're very smart.

**Red flag: hubris
***hello, blinders anyone?

Wish 27: for my sister

2011-03-20T18:20:00.000-07:00

It has been a while since I have made a wish. Well, no. That's not true. I make them all the time, but in a slightly-frustrated-just-want-to-find-an-easy-solution sort of way. Like "I wish those people would stop asking me such stupid questions" or "I wish I didn't have to go to this meeting."

You know what I mean.

But I have been thinking about wishes a lot. Every night that I sit here at my desk, I look at the wishbowl and I am so thankful to have it as a loving reminder of what it was like when I was making wishes, when I had the time to be thoughtful and deliberate, to feel really grounded in my every day. I took a detour from that path when when I took this job last year and the wishbowl is one of the breadcrumbs I left for myself so that I could find my way back.

Things right now are intense.* At work, with mon beau and now with my family. My older sister is really really struggling so Wish 27 is for her:

When this wish comes true, it won't just impact Melissa, it will help ease the weight that my parents are carrying, and the worry that the rest of us have. So here is to Melissa finding a new place to call home.

xxoo

*I feel like I say that a lot. Hm. I will try to find another turn of phrase. Or to change things - that's actually a better solution.

Fixing the broken

2011-02-05T10:25:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I broke a necklace. It was one of those happen-in-an-instance things: I dropped something at my desk, leaned over to get it and rose without realizing that my necklace had caught on the arm of the chair. I heard a snap and the sound of my necklace - in several pieces - hitting the floor.

I really like this necklace - I think it's pretty and I wear it often - and I was disappointed when it broke. But I was exhausted after a particularly long and demanding week and I didn't have the energy to really get upset. I just picked up the pieces, put them in an envelope to take home and went back to what I was doing.

This is the second necklace I have broken in just over a month, which is unusual for me. I wear necklaces all the time and until December I had never broken any of them.*

I had tried several times to fix the first necklace I broke. It only separated in one spot and it looked like it should just be easy to repair - as if the two pieces that are there should just fit back together - yet I could not make it work. The necklace I broke yesterday looked a lot worse. It was in several pieces and I could not tell at first whether the links were supposed to follow a particular order or if their placement should be irregular/random. So when I sat down last night with my two broken necklaces, I was not feeling particularly optimistic that I would be able to put either one of them back together. **

I started working on the necklace I broke yesterday and even with a couple missteps that needed to be undone and corrected, I managed to fix it fairly quickly.

Here's where things got interesting: When I finished with that necklace, I discovered that there was one piece leftover. It was a little connector link that I hadn't noticed.

That little connector link turned out to be exactly what I needed to fix the other broken necklace.

the formerly broken

I have been working really hard to keep things from breaking at the office while also fostering transformation and evolution of our work, our team, our organization. I spend a lot of energy keeping things together. But last night I realized that perhaps I shouldn't be so afraid of letting things break - because in sifting through the pieces, I might just find the very thing we need to make something else work better.

xoxo

*I am considering having someone else pick things up when I drop them from now on so as to avoid breaking any more necklaces.
**This might be an understatement. I thought both necklaces might be doomed.

One breadth

2011-01-26T22:51:00.000-08:00

The President of my organization told me last fall that I am a "breath of fresh air" but a few weeks later he wrote it in an email and accidentally wrote it as a "breadth" of fresh air.

Isn't that wonderful?

I hope I'm always thought of that way.

xoxox

one step / one breath

2011-01-01T20:21:00.000-08:00

one step

i stop

i take

one breath

warm sun

above

white snow

below

i breathe

i take

one step

-Rosemerry Waitola Trommer

Climbing the Ridge

I spent a good part of yesterday and today doing my annual review*. I am not entirely done but one thing became clear to me: I hold my breath a lot. When I get scared or anxious, I stop breathing and I stop moving. I get very still, but here's what I realized: I don't get still to get centered. I don't go inside myself and regroup. I stop breathing and I stop moving because I stop being present. I stop believing that I have the answers, that who I am is enough.**

I watch. I wait. My mind races - should i do this? or that? - I worry about what the right next step is, forgetting that in those times, what matters is to take a next step. Because taking a step means being there. And being there is what matters.

So for the new year, my intention is to stay present. To remember that I don't have to have everything figured out all at once. And to remember when I am overwhelmed, all I have to do is take one step and one breath and I will find my way.

Wishing you all a peaceful, forward-moving, love-filled new year.

xoxo

*With enormous gratitude to Jolie Guillebeau whose model for Annual Review had a huge impact on me this year. Thanks, Jolie. I have so enjoyed watching your growth over the past year and send you love. xoxox
**I feel so tender towards my little self when I re-read this. This was a big revelation.

releasing

2010-12-23T20:50:00.000-08:00

I haven't really felt like myself lately. And by "lately" I don't just mean the past several months - I realized the other day that it has been well over a year since I truly felt like myself.

"Like myself" is how I felt when I started this blog.
"Like myself" is how I felt when I gave myself permission to go on sabbatical, to follow where I was called, to step off the treadmill of workingworkingworking that was motivated so largely by fear.
"Like myself" is how I felt when I stopped working and started living.
When I felt like myself I was healthy. I slept well. I practiced yoga every day. I felt at peace. I was inspired. I saw signs.

Last year is the only time in my life that I have felt like myself.

When I went back to work full time at an "office" (this started with my freelance job last year), I fell back into old habits of working off adrenaline. Feeling responsible for everything and everyone. Numbing my anxiety with food and long hours at the office, feeling that I can (and should) absorb "everything" rather than shaking some things off, letting other things drop, delegating work, and trusting others. I gave up yoga for work. I gave up seeing friends for work. I took work home. I thought about work all the time. I worried about work all the time, whether or not there was something "worth" worrying about - I still worried.

I have been struggling lately because this old way of working is so unsatisfying, but it's so familiar that I fell back into it without realizing what I was doing. I really don't know any other way of working, which is to say I really don't know a darn thing about living since I have done so precious little of it.

For the past few weeks I've been trying to force myself to change. That hasn't worked (obviously), and it's no wonder - that approach was fueled by adrenaline.

The only way to change this is to surrender to it. To lie down. To rest a while. To release all these things that I think I can't let go of.

That approach is unfamiliar and therefore really frightening to me. I have been resisting, big time.

But I am ready. I know I can let all this stuff go. I must.

Because I know what it feels like to be myself. And I can't live any other way anymore.

xoxo

loving kindness

2010-12-21T22:45:00.000-08:00

I read this story over on one of my favorite sites and I had to share it:

Bonus Lesson Learned: Kindness is underrated. I learned this one Monday night. A friend and I were out doing the holiday partying thing. And we decided to make a late night run to the Waffle House for a patty melt. (Christmas makes me think of the Waffle House.) It was about 1:15 when we finally got up to leave. As he paid, we glanced at a table beside us and both smiled at as a young student — books and papers spread all over the table — lay fast asleep over his studies. My friend quietly slipped 20 bucks under his hand. It made my heart smile to think of this young guy waking up to this unexpected kindness. I decided on the way home to have my eyes and heart always open to spreading kindness. Kind of slowed me down and reminded me what this season and life is all about. Spread some goodness and sunshine, when ever you get the chance.

Isn't that really what it's all about? I love this.

Happy holidays, everyone. Joy, peace and loving kindness to you all.

xoxo

You CANNOT take away my joy

2010-12-09T21:12:00.000-08:00

I was reading this incredible post by my beloved friend Heid the other morning when it hit me.

I had been thinking that that the reason I've felt so off balance lately, the reason I've felt so pinched and so pressured is because others were putting their fear on me and trying to take away my joy. I didn't like the way that felt, so I started building up some walls to distance myself and keep mean/needy/greedy/fearful people out. I stood at the gate of my fortress, arms crossed across my chest and stomped my feet on the ground. THEY CANNOT TAKE MY JOY, I declared. IT'S MINE. MINE MINE MINE!

I glared at anyone who dared approach.*

THIS is why I have friends like Heidi, and thank goodness I do. She is one of the angels who keep me on a path guided by love, even when I'm anxious because I can feel other peoples' fear.

You see, I had a big AHA after reading Heidi's post.** This isn't really about others being unkind and fearful and trying to take something from me.

This is about ME being afraid.

This is about me resisting. This is about me not helping people who need it. This is about me letting fear decide how I behave.***

I have joy! I have worked hard to create it in my team and I am really excited about it and I have not been trying to show it off, I just didn't realize that other teams didn't have it. I thought they were all working "fine" and that it was only in my own team that there was a serious deficit of excitement and camaraderie and collaboration.

Well, I was wrong. I didn't anticipate that in creating joy for my team, that we would earn the enmity of others. But we did. Or, more accurately, I did. And that has surprised and hurt me.

But the truth is that other people are behaving badly because they're scared. Things at work are changing and they are feeling lost and worried. The things they used to do aren't the things they're supposed to do anymore and they're not quite sure about their new identity and don't quite know how to get to their goals. They need help and they want help, but they don't have the skills to invite help. So they are demanding and pushy and needy.

I have been afraid that if I get sucked into helping them, that it will be a drain on me and my team. I convinced myself that I was resisting because I didn't want their smallness to rub off on me. But I completely missed the fact that it already has. In holding them at a distance, I am being as small and as mean as they are.

Somewhere along the way I decided to believe that the joy I have right now is a finite amount. That this is all I am going to have and that if I share it, I will have less, so I must protect it. But the truth that I know and that I believe is that when we share joy, we all have more. Joy and love are exponential that way.

So this week I am going to use my arms and instead of holding them up to keep people at bay, I will hold them out to embrace my teammates. I will welcome them and share my joy and I will mean it.

This stupid tiff that has gotten me so worked up is a chance for me to change the way things are done around our office. This is an opportunity for me to put into practice the things I believe, even if I am scared and resisting and a little bit angry. Because it really comes down to this: these people want to share in the joy that I feel, that I represent, that I have created with my own little team. And how lucky am I to get to invite them in, to make them part of what we are doing, to bring them along on this crazy adventure.

This is what I was put here to do. I know that for sure.

And one of these days I will get better at spotting these opportunities when they crop up.****

xoxo

*What am I, twelve? Good grief.
**Thank you Heidi xoxoxoxoxxo
***A favorite quotation: Whenever I am faced with a choice and I am having trouble making a decision I ask "how would love decide" and then I ask "how would fear decide"
****And not let them frustrate me for weeks on end!

The everyday miraculous

2010-11-24T18:32:00.000-08:00

We live on the edge of the miraculous every minute of our lives.

The miracle is in us, and it blossoms forth the moment we lay ourselves open to it.

- Henry Miller

Things are just UNFURLING at work, and by "things" I really mean "people" and by "people" I really mean "members of my team who used to work quietly, isolated, in the shadows, wrapped tight in a bud."

I am watching them open up, bloom and grow. It is happening before my eyes and it feels like a miracle. I noticed this afternoon how good it feels at work right now, like all the members of my team are working together and contributing their best. Even if people are uncomfortable, they are stretching themselves to do what the team needs.

This is a huge change. HUGE.*

I remarked on it today to one of my teammates and she said we feel it too, and it is happening because of you.

Now it is true that I feel a great responsibility at work but I also feel this great great privilege. I don't just serve the brightest minds in the entire world, I get to serve and lead a team who have enormous talent, tremendous heart, great spirit, deep soul, and a wicked sense of humor.

I know what it's like to work in the shadows; I also know how powerful it is for someone to take notice. And I am fiercely aware that I am just beginning to glimpse what my team is capable of. I know that the growth, the blossoming, the celebration and the joy are just starting. I know how much fun there is still to be had. I know there are surprises and victories and celebrations to come. And that is why I am happy every single day to pick up my torch and blaze this new path for this team. They deserve it.

And so do I.
xoxo

*Off the charts kind of huge. It means they understand what the team needs (a first!) and that they CARE. It's that kind of huge.

Some reassurance

2010-11-19T09:06:00.000-08:00

I have been house-and-dog sitting for a couple weeks and I brought over my basket of knitting, anticipating that I would have time in the evenings for some restorative activity.*

You see, I have reorganized my team at work and we are settling into our new structure and routines, so many things are going really well.** We are busy as all heck, but for the most part it is starting to feel good and I was hoping that I could break the cycle of working all day and then bringing home my laptop and working all night.

But that hasn't been the case and these days I am having a hard time finding my equilibrium. Part of the problem is that I feel exposed at work - I have been taking a lot of pot-shots from "teammates"*** and there's so much to do, I feel like I'm scrambling just to keep everything on a single list, let alone get anything done. This is by far the hardest job I've ever had. I feel a tremendous responsibility. I feel the weight of expectation. And for the first time in my life I know there are people actually hoping for me to fail.

But I also know there are far more rooting for me to succeed. And in all this, I have this sense - this knowing - that this is my path. These are my lessons. This is my time. I can't tell you how I know. I just do.

Still, it's really nice to get some reassurance once in a while and if there was ever a day that I needed to wake up to a big cheer for me, it was today.

And here's what I found in my inbox:

Not ever, not once, intrepidgirl, not since time began has there been someone who's actually made the kind of choices you've consistently made, year after year, your whole life long, in spite of fleeting fears, lingering doubts and moments of despair. Yet now, for the countless multitudes waiting on the sidelines for their turn, there's a path, an example to follow, and a light to show them the way.

Jolly good show,

The Universe

Thank you, Universe. Not just for the note, but for where I am. For this place. This job. These challenges. These opportunities. For my people. For the myriad ways I am supported every day. For the safe place that always seems to appear right when I need a rest. I am bolstered daily and wow, am I grateful.

*Didn't actually happen. In part because the dog wakes me up at the crack of dawn - no, wait, BEFORE dawn - so I haven't had long and leisurely evenings on the couch like I hoped.
**Hooray!
***Seriously! People on my extended team have been really petty and I'm trying to ignore their crap, but doing that takes energy away from the good work that I'm trying to get done. Argh.

cocooning, in a weird way

2010-10-31T21:54:00.000-07:00

I have been head-spinningly busy lately and I have really missed having time for yoga, knitting, reading, exploring, thinking, hanging out with friends...you know, all the things I used to do. All the things that made me feel like, well, like me.

I have also felt like I've been struggling, and like I've been growing, and like I've been in the dark a good part of the time.

I was thinking about all this over the weekend when it hit me.

This is what it feels like to be in a cocoon. The wrestling. The darkness. The identity crisis (am I the old me? Am I the new me? What is the new me?).

The crazy thing is I already felt like a butterfly so I have no idea what I'll emerge from this cocoon as, but if I had to wager a guess, I'd say I'm going to come out as Cleopatra. Or maybe Michele Obama. Either way, I'm going to be an ass-kicking kind of lady and that suits me just fine.

Dispatches from the Road

2010-10-26T06:54:00.000-07:00

I have been traveling a lot lately. Here's a glimpse into the last few journeys:

Sunrise - Ojai

Autumn - Maine

And the sparkly mall in Texas where I went shopping because my luggage did not come to Texas. It went to Boise instead.

There is so much to share. Especially about this last trip - I found messages everywhere and I felt so buoyed by the Universe. I feel like I needed to get through this last month - a very intense one - so I could get to this other side.
More soon.
xoxo

Exhaling. At last.

2010-10-16T07:42:00.000-07:00

The world is more malleable than you think

and it's waiting for you to hammer it into shape.
- Bono

This week I reorganized my team at work.

I have both dreamed of and dreaded this week since I started in May. I knew during the interview process that the team wasn't structured appropriately to meet our goals. That was the easy part. It was redefining our new "normal" that took a long time, a lot of consideration, and over which I have lost a lot of sleep.

Throughout this process I have felt tremendous support and I have felt part of a really wonderful network, but I also feel the expectations that are placed on me and I feel that spotlight. It shines on me alone.*

So after months of planning, worrying and carrying this, today - the day after everything was done - is here. When I woke up this morning, I felt like I could breathe again.

I work in a place that has a long tradition of doing things a certain way, of looking at things in a fairly narrow way, of holding on to the past - good and bad.

I don't work that way and starting November 1, neither will my team.

Anything's possible if you've got enough nerve.

- JK Rowling

*oh, so dramatic!

Breaking through the surface

2010-10-09T07:42:00.000-07:00

I just read a story about the trapped miners in Chile - a drilling rig has punched through to their underground chamber, creating a hole wide enough that they could possibly be rescued. Now that the hole has been dug, it needs to be reinforced and checked to be sure it is stable enough that the men can be raised one by one to the surface, but for the first time since that mine collapsed the possibility of rescue is more than just an idea.

Three separate drills set out to reach the trapped men. Two of the drills veered off course but this one - "Plan B" - made it.

And here's something that struck me - the Plan B drill is operated by a man from Denver, Colorado.

Can you imagine what it might be like to be almost 5,000 miles from home and be part of an international operation to rescue 33 people? Regular people. Working people. People just like this drill operator, really. Can you imagine the weight he has felt for the past 66 days, working there on the surface with all those families? He brought skill and expertise to the project, but to the families on the surface and to the men trapped below - and, really to all of us watching - he represents hope.

I have a tendency is to think "this is too big - there's nothing I can do to help" but I have been reminded a few times recently that the way to "help" is to say yes when the opportunity arises to bring our abilities to the aid of others.

Earlier this week I read a story about a little girl who had been kidnapped. A couple men in her neighborhood - strangers to her - heard the story on the news and noticed a truck that fit the description of the kidnapper's vehicle driving down the street. One of the men jumped in his own car and flagged the guy down, pretending to need directions. At first he wasn't sure this was the kidnapper, but he kept up with him until he saw the little girl and ultimately rescued her.

Can you imagine? He didn't know the girl. He's just a regular guy who knew that he wanted to help and when he had the chance, he did.

Just yesterday people stopped a gunman who had opened fire on a schoolyard near San Diego. One guy rammed the gunman with a car to knock him down and construction workers ran from their nearby project to subdue him until the police arrived. They did it without regard for their own safety - after all, this man had an automatic weapon - they did it to protect other people.

California is in the middle of a bitter and mean election cycle and I didn't realize what a desperate absence there is of hope among our leadership until I realized that I was looking for hope in the wrong places.

There's so much hope in the world! It's in each other and in ourselves. In the way we treat other humans.

And it's in how we answer the call to help when it comes.

To all these people who, in helping when they had the chance, have given me hope, I send my thanks.

xoxo

Ainsley Hayes and lunch with a "genius"

2010-09-27T20:03:00.000-07:00

Last week I was channeling Ainsley Hayes*.

Now, don't get me wrong - I didn't go all Republican or anything** - but Ainsley Hayes had one of the most memorable lines in all of The West Wing*** and last week I was feeling her pain.****

When, at the end of Ainsley's first day in the White House (which turned out to be a long and particularly crappy day) Sam Seaborn launched into a lecture-slash-reprimand, Ainsley stopped him, asking politely if he could just hold his tirade for 24 hours. She said:

Sam, do you think there's any chance that you could be rude to me tomorrow? Tomorrow is Saturday. I will be here. You can call me and be rude by phone or you can stop by and do it in person. 'Cause I think if I have to endure another disappointment today - from this place that I have worshiped - I am going to lose it.

That, in effect, is how I felt last week at work. I thought I was going to lose it. Big time. I didn't totally lose it, but WOW was last week a doozy. And even today, which started with an email from a very very very powerful person at our organization***** I thought this is ridiculous. What I do here is just silly.

And then I got the news: one of our people is winning a MacArthur Genius grant tonight (the announcement goes live at midnight). This is not just any one of our people, this man is truly one of the kindest, brightest, most inspiring people I have ever met.****** He's the real deal. He is brilliant. He's open, effusive and humble. He's creative and courageous and it's not a stretch to call him a genius. It really isn't.

We are scheduled to have lunch on Wednesday and I suspect the media will be all over him. Still, I would be flabbergasted if he called and asked for a rain check. He's that kind of person.

This, like Poptech, is how I know I'm in the right place. I'm supposed to be here. I'm supposed to be in the company of genius.

Even if it means I channel Ainsley Hayes now and then.

xoxo

*Blonde Republican regular on The West Wing, starting in Season 2.
**Apologies if I have any Republican readers.
***And that's saying a lot, considering there were A LOT of memorable lines in that brilliant show!
****Nevermind the fact that she's on TV and doesn't actually exist. I was feeling pain, people!
*****This person is VERY powerful. And his email actually came at 10:30 last night. Sunday night. Grrr!
******And that is not overplaying it. He's really really awesome.

that tiny voice

2010-09-15T22:00:00.000-07:00

I actually wrote this a while ago, but it wasn't until now that it felt like the right time to post it.

---------

At a yoga class last May, the theme of the class was about listening to the spirit over the ego.

This theme was inspired by this radio story about the limits of human physical endurance which included an interview with a woman named Julie Moss.

Moss was pretty far in the lead in her first Ironman Triathlon* when, less than a mile from the finish line, her "legs turned to jelly" and she collapsed. She picked herself up only to collapse again, over and over. At one point she sat there thinking I can't do this. I might as well give up.

But then another voice - a tiny little one at first - said You can do this. Get up again. Try again.

And she did, over and over. She got up and she fell. She got up and she fell. Over and over and over.

The agonizing last part of her race was broadcast on national television - I'm sure you've seen it - it is replayed whenever there is a story about the triumph of the human spirit. I've seen it dozens of times and every time I see her fall, I feel my heart break a little bit, but then every time she gets up I feel myself heal a little bit, I feel the stirring of my faith, and I sense that my protective outer shell cracks just a little bit more because I see - and I believe - in what our spirits can do.

Moss was just yards from the finish line - on the ground, having collapsed again - when the second-place runner passed her and won the Triathlon. Less than a minute later, Moss crawled on her knees across the finish line to take second place.

The first voice she heard, our teacher said - the one that told her to quit - is the ego. The second - the tiny one, the true one - is the spirit. Think about a time in your life he said when you almost quit - when your ego was telling you to quit - and the tiny voice of your spirit told you to go on.

Then he led us through a challenging series poses and encouraged us to listen to the ego...and practice letting it go. He reminded us also to listen to the spirit. Did we want to pursue the fast pace of class? Or did we need or want a resting pose?

The only right thing to do is what the spirit asks. And it's okay to hear the ego, he said, as long as you can tell the difference.

Because strength doesn't come from pushing through. It doesn't come from endurance at all costs. It comes from knowing and honoring and doing what is right for you.

At first I couldn't think of a time that I chose ego over spirit.** But a few sun salutations into class, it hit me:

One year ago I chose spirit over ego.

One year ago I put aside all the fear and anxiety about my "career" and the economy and "what would happen next" and I followed the calling of the tiny voice. The one that said Yes, you can and asked where passion would take me. The one that informed me that commitment was actually liberating. And the one that assured me that I was in exactly the place I was supposed to be.

Those were the first four signs and they inform me daily still.

**********
That's the end of what I wrote back then. And the thing is, I thought I was writing it for you, when in truth, I was writing it for me. This is essentially a letter to myself and I love that I found it right now.

Remember earlier this week when I wondered how to manage the anxiety I feel, and who I could turn to for advice? Turns out I had the answers all along. I realized in reading this old post that my old "normal" was to listen to the ego over the spirit. To give up, even if I kept showing up. But this new normal that I feel - and the one I'm still adjusting to - is me listening to the spirit.

It's big stuff and I marvel that even as I feel so intensely busy with work I am still given these reminders. They're like mirrors for reflection and I know I say it a lot, but I really am so very grateful.

xoxo

*2.5 mile swim, 112 mile bike ride followed by a full 26.2 mile marathon.
**That's because there were so many to choose from. Choosing ego over spirit used to be "normal" to me - so trying to single out one example wasn't really possible.

Wish list at work

2010-09-14T09:19:00.000-07:00

I have a big white board at the office and it's full of all kinds of lists and notes. I find that there are sections of the board that I use more than others, and some lists that I don't see every day. I look at them, but I don't see them, you know?

Yesterday afternoon I had just finished writing on other parts of the board and was capping the dry-erase markers when my "wish list" caught my eye.

Guess what was at the top of that list? Poptech!

See for yourself:

Can you believe it? I was struck today by the fact that this is a wish list. There are all sorts of other "to do" lists on this big white board, but this corner is where I write down things that I think are important and will make a difference at work, yet also feel are a real stretch for the organization.

So here's to the power of wishing. With wish lists, wish bowls, with whatever you have on hand - make your wishes visible. It will go a long way towards making them come true.

xoxo

No more boxes

2010-09-13T20:22:00.000-07:00

I realized this morning that one year ago I started a lot of my posts with "today in yoga..." and now I start a good many with "I know I"m a big stress case..."

That's not good.*

I was laying in bed thinking about this situation** and wondering what to do. What could I change? Who could I turn to for advice? How would I figure out what to do?

And then I opened my email and found this:

If suddenly and without warning, intrepidgirl, you had absolutely nothing to worry about, do you know what the world would begin to look like?

Un-huh, exactly the same as it does right now.

Alright, if suddenly you had absolutely nothing to be afraid of, do you know what you'd begin to look like right now?

Yeah, cool as ever.

OK, OK. If suddenly you had absolutely no expectations to live up to and no one to disappoint, do you know how free you'd suddenly be?

Yeah, same, same.

Get it? The only thing that would really change is your thoughts. And you don't need circumstances or other people to help you with that, do you?

I say it's time to blow the lid off this popsicle stand -
The Universe

And a light went on: This is my own doing.

I let myself worry. I let expectations weigh me down.

This is a wholly different box than the one I created for myself many years ago, but it's still a box and it's one of my own creation.*** It's like I got to this new job and then built this box around myself so there was something familiar in all the newness.

Well, you know what? I built the box and I am tearing it down. This is the biggest job I've ever had and I know it's just the beginning of everything else that's coming, of everything else I was put on this earth to do.

So I am changing my thoughts about what is familiar. There is a new normal now. It involves awesomeness. Inclusion. Intention. Generosity. Growth.

And from now on, no boxes.

xoxo

*This might be an understatement.
**Yes, in the wee hours because I could not sleep.
***When will I learn?

About me, in 300 words or less.

2010-09-12T21:00:00.000-07:00

For a conference I am attending next month, I had to write a short-ish blurb about myself. I don't know where or how this will be used - will it be published in some sort of directory that is made available to all attendees? Gack. The last conference I went to asked for a bio exactly for that purpose. Here's what I wrote:

Intrepidgirl is the [job title here] at [company name here].

That's it. I mean, I knew the conference would be informative for my industry, but it wasn't going to be all that inspiring personally. It wasn't going to be full of my people, so why reveal more than anyone wanted to know about me?

But this time it's different. This time the conference is POPTECH* and OMG I GET TO GO!

Poptech's tagline is this: world-changing people, projects and ideas and the theme of this year's conference is Brilliant Accidents, Necessary Failures, and Improbable Breakthroughs.

How great is that?!!!

This time next month I'll be...well, I'll be getting ready. I'll be giddy. I'll be trying to figure out what to pack to spend four days with my people! Big thinkers. Seekers. Doubters. Hope-ers. Do-ers. Like I said, my people. But wait, it gets better...I am going for WORK! My job is sending me (and my fabulous boss) to Maine** in October*** for three intense and inspiring days.

With my people.

So as I was registering on Friday, I had to write a blurb about myself and I didn't know what to say at first. I mean, the blurb I sent in to that last conference just wouldn't do. After some hem-ing and haw-ing and a few false starts**** this is what I came up with:

Just over a year ago I made one of the best decisions of my life – I gave myself a sabbatical.

I slowed down. I traveled. I practiced a lot of yoga. I read a lot – usually under a tree in a park. I sought out people who inspired and delighted me. I fell in love.

Then one day someone asked what I wanted to do next in my life. I replied that I wanted to work with the smartest people in the world, doing the coolest things possible.

And now that’s what I do.

Because I think that anyone who reads this and gets it will reveal themselves as a kindred spirit, and that's who I'll be looking out for.

xoxo

*You might remember Poptech from this post.
**one of my favorite places in the world
***Yes, New England in autumn. Poor me.
**** "a few" might be an understatement.

I'm not intimidated

2010-09-07T21:28:00.000-07:00

There's a situation in my life that is pretty intense.

So intense, in fact, that so far there hasn't been a single person - not one - who thinks it's something I can overcome without great personal sacrifice. The people closest to me worry that I will give up too much, that I will lose significant parts of myself, my independence and my spirit, along the way. Even the clerk in the bookstore yesterday expressed distrust ("I've read about this a lot but I've never actually met someone in your situation" he said). And I'll admit that this situation sucks. It blows. I absolutely hate it.

But here's the thing. If anyone is going to overcome this thing, it's me.

I don't know how I know that, but I do, and I'm not going to lose myself in the process. I have worked too long and too hard to get to this place - to find and really become myself - to lose it now.

So you know what, world? Bring it. I'm ready.

Baby steps in the dark.

2010-08-26T20:02:00.000-07:00

This morning I woke up at 4:30. Yep. Wide awake. I tossed. I turned. I considered getting up and going for a walk, but it was pitch dark outside. Also, I was exhausted. I was so frustrated. I need sleep! My mind was racing with work stuff - it feels like there is just SO MUCH to do. I brought work home this weekend and made some good progress, but there still a long way to go and I worry that I have to be in it all the time, doing it all the time, modeling it all the time. And what if something falls through the cracks? There are so many things I'm not getting to! Who will do them if I don't? aaaaahhhH!!!!!

Eventually I managed to quiet my mind and get a little more sleep but I still woke up feeling...unrested. Slightly tense. Very serious.

And then I opened my email and found this note from the Universe:

It's one trick, intrepidgirl, to manifest exactly what you want.

(which is what I did!)

It's another to bring about something even better.

(better? I get to have something better? OMG OMG OMG!)

Leave the door open,
The Universe

How? Expect miracles, intrepidgirl. Don't attach to unimportant details. Don't insist "how" your dreams will come true. Prepare to be amazed. Feel the joy when you daydream. Take baby steps in the dark. Every single day physically do something about your dreams. And most important, saunter.

I am facing some really daunting challenges these days and I have secretly been wishing for someone to tell me how to navigate these unfamiliar waters. I mean, ideally someone would swoop in and say tell me to "promote this person, change this position over here, rearrange these tasks to report to someone else" and stuff like that. But it turns out those aren't actually the instructions I need.

Thanks, Universe.

xoxox

fatigued, but okay. And that's enough.

2010-08-20T23:00:00.000-07:00

I am fatigued in a way that I didn't know was possible.

I'd explain, but I don't know where I would begin. Perhaps with the pressure I feel to make changes at work, and to produce new and different type of work product with people who aren't used to the pace - or the standards - I'm asking them to keep (some of them really aren't happy about it). On top of that, add the crisis that happened at the office yesterday (beginning with a 6 am phone call and ended up with me as the only woman from my company and the youngest person in the "command center"*), plus the meeting I had today with HR about reorganizing my team, the "debrief" with senior leadership on yesterday's crisis, and a three-hour long meeting with one of my employees and an executive coach that felt a bit like an ambush and a lot like a betrayal.

Yet even with all that, I'm okay.** I'm so held. And I feel so lucky.

You see, last night was band practice. And I swear, if you haven't found a band of your own, you must, right now, go out and get yours. I am so over the moon in love with my bandmates, with their courageous beauty, and their gorgeous, generous friendships - I can't even tell you.

How do we do it? It's simple. We gather. We honor. We trust. We share... and we eat. It's nourishment for all the senses.

Two things you should know about:

1. The world's best salad!
Made with just 6 ingredients - arugula, corn, parmesan, lemon juice, olive oil, and a bit of salt, I guarantee this salad will make you happy! Here's how it's done:

Empty 1 bag of arugula into a bowl.
Cut the kernels off 2 ears of corn, add them to the bowl.
Shred a bunch of (fresh, good) parmesan into the bowl. Toss.
Squeeze the juice of one-to-one-and-a-half lemons. Toss.
Drizzle olive oil. Toss.
Sprinkle with salt. Toss.
Enjoy.

(this genius recipe comes courtesy of my lovely friends Colin and Blaed. Love you guys!).

2. S'mores. (Seriously!)

Preheat the oven to 250.
Take a graham cracker out of the package, break it in half. Place one half on a cookie sheet.
Remove a (good) chocolate bar from its package, break it in half, place that on the graham cracker.
Take a jumbo marshmallow and tear it in half. Place both halves, sticky side down, on the chocolate that is on the graham cracker.
Place cookie sheet in preheated oven.
Watch it and wait...
When the marshmallow has puffed up started to turn golden brown, remove the cookie sheet from the oven.
Place the other half of the graham cracker on top of the marshmallows.
Serve immediately.
To eat: squish it, nibble the parts that come oozing out the sides, generally act like a kid again and enjoy.

(this inspiration - and these genius instructions - come via my incredibly great friend Kristine - thanks KLO!)

So yeah, this week was tough. And yeah, this weekend I have brought a lot of work home. But I'm okay. Somewhat to my own surprise, I really am.

These days it's starting to feel more normal to be in a new situation and realize that somehow I know what to do, at least enough to get by in the specific situation, and afterward I figure out ways to be more prepared for the next time. And every time that happens, I trust myself that much more, and get that much more used to where I am.

And it's good.***

xoxo

*This was not part of my job description. I have zero experience in crisis communication; fortunately there's a seasoned and skilled "crisis management" team in place that one of my teammates sits on. Technically I'm part of that team too, but there have been so many other things to sort out with this job, I hadn't gotten to this one yet. Well, I've gotten to it now.
**I am!
***Still, I'm glad it's the weekend. I need it!

A sign! A sign!

2010-08-18T20:21:00.000-07:00

The signs are BACK! Hooray!

Yesterday I went to the mailbox and found a few magazines, among them was Newsweek. Before work this morning, I read a few pages and put the magazine down (I am surmising here - I remember reading the magazine but don't remember actually putting it down) and here's where things get interesting*.

When I came home tonight, I found the magazine open on the counter where I (must have) left it. And it was open to an advertisment. That's what I found kind of strange - I'm generally impervious to advertisements, unless they are absolutely off the charts amazing.** So it's not likely that I was reading - or even noticing this advertisement - while I was reading the magazine this morning, yet this is where I put it down. Not with the article facing up, but with the advertisement staring me square in the face.

Hm.

The advertisement was for dairy farmers of America, and it quoted Dennis Haubenschild, a dairy farmer, longtime advocate for sustainable energy and steward of the earth*** as saying:

It only becomes waste if you waste it.

The reason I love this so much is that I'm finally in a place to get it. I know that what he says applies to everything - to our thoughts, our energies, our food, our land, our leftovers, our trash. WE give meaning to everything, and here's what I love - that means that things are only as powerful as we let them be.

Whew.

It was particularly striking today because through hours of meetings at work I felt at peace even as I was surrounded by people who were frenzied. Because I knew that their frenetic action was also their choice. It might not have been conscious - I know that a lot of people at my office react to the people around them - but still, it's a choice to be stressed and spazzy or to take things in, order them, say no when appropriate**** and manage calmly, especially when dealing with others.

This also applies to a personal situation I had yesterday - that's how I know this sign is for real. So coming home tonight, finding the magazine open to this page and seeing Dennis' quote was exactly what I needed.

As I say so often, thanks Universe. I really don't understand this peaceful place I'm in - it's not "normal" to me...yet. But I like it and I plan to stay here for the rest of my life.

xoxo

*Well, interesting to me, at least.
**This is one of my superpowers.
***And seriously, one of my heroes.
****Or "not yet" - I say "not yet" a lot.

Hiding from my horoscope

2010-08-17T07:27:00.000-07:00

I read a weekly horoscope for myself last month that absolutely rocked. Seriously. But it also gave me a bit of a smack, so I wrote it all down here and then hid from it until I was ready for it.

It's high time to banish the excuses you think you have for not doing your best.

There is no longer any valid reason to hide from your true calling or deny yourself more profound happiness. You are ready to see that the supposed "obstacles" to your success are actually instrumental to your success -- prods that will make you so much smarter and stronger that you cannot be defeated by circumstances.

And I think I'm ready for it now. No, I know I am.

Something clicked for me yesterday - something I'm not even completely conscious of - I just know that I feel different. Like I'm not going to let all the things that felt so heavy, big and intimidating these past few weeks get in my way anymore.*

Actually, that's not quite right. What I feel is that they're not actually in my way. That's the thing! Those things are all there, and they're real, but they're not obstacles unless I let them be so. If I can see the obstacle it means I've taken my eyes off the goal, and I'm not willing to do that anymore.

*Don't get me wrong - they're big and they're still there, but I am lighter. I know I can handle them now.

Waiting for Superman

2010-08-15T10:55:00.000-07:00

This kicked me in the pants.

I watched the trailer at work and I had to close the door and cry.

Aren't we obligated to provide more for our kids - for the kids of this world - than was available for us? I know it feels so hard now - the world is moving so fast, the economy feels so volatile, the gap between the people who "have" and those who don't feels like it just keeps widening - but these are kids. They can't make it better for themselves and if we don't do it, who will?

Here's how you can help.

Thank you.

xoxo

a little vacay with my honey

2010-08-10T22:52:00.000-07:00

I was in Seattle with my S.O. this weekend.

We rode the monorail.

Our hotel room was on the 33rd floor - we saw the Blue Angels fly by!
We ate fresh donuts, drank really good coffee,
feasted on bolivian food and watched the sun set,
had the most delicious dessert I've ever tasted,
and sparkling wine from Oregon.
I hadn't even realized how much I had needed a weekend away.
It was just right.

xoxoxo

so much. all at once.

2010-08-05T07:15:00.000-07:00

These are intense days.*

I'm feeling stretched in every direction. At work, in love, in life and it's A LOT, not only for the magnitude of the growth I'm experiencing, but also because it's all happening at once.

Yet, even as I'm stressed out, I also feel a great sense of peace and calm because I know that this is exactly where I'm supposed to be. This is exactly what I'm supposed to be going through. This is what all the hard work of the past several years was preparing me for and I'm so grateful for that. That hard work, those lessons, all the growth I've pursued the past decade - it's all working for me now.

Right now my days at the office are long and they are consuming and I look forward to the time when I can have a creative life again. I miss having time to be quiet and reflective. I miss being part of a community of creative people. But I know that where I am is where I'm supposed to be. So I take inspiration from all of you. I loved Stacy's recent post and I am digging the August break series I see my friends doing. I see Karen's daily crafting and look forward to doing my own again.

And the thing is, I feel a longing for these things, but I also feel confident that they're really just around the corner. This state I'm in is temporary and I'm going to turn that corner soon.**

*That might be an understatement.
**I can't wait.

Zeal

2010-07-21T20:25:00.000-07:00

In O magazine the other day, I read an article by an author named Gail Caldwell. One of her best friends - a vibrant, competitive woman - had a banner in her room that read zeal is a useful fire. That friend has passed away and Caldwell now has the banner in her home.

Zeal is a useful fire.

That really struck me.

I work in a place where I marvel every single day at the work that is done there, at the challenges undertaken, at the rigor required, at the world-shifting innovation that is conceived and made real. It is awesome stuff. I can barely keep my own curiosity and sense of wonder in check some days.

It is an amazing place, yet I often feel alone in my enthusiasm. Many of the people I work with have been there for decades and they can be pretty sedate.* Maybe they never had a sense of wonder. That's possible, I suppose.**

For the first two months of this job, there were times when I felt...strange. I felt like I didn't fit. I felt other.

Well, I am over it.

I have zeal! And I have decided to use my fire.

*"pretty sedate" might be an understatement.

**but OMG how could you live that way?

Anxiety and Hummingbirds

2010-07-19T22:28:00.000-07:00

It will come as no surprise that I've been a big stress case lately. I am not managing things as graciously* as I would like to.

I've been feeling really pinched, and very disapprove-y of just about everyone lately, including myself, and it has been no fun at all.

A sidebar: Just as I finished typing the paragraph above, a hummingbird just flew right up to my window and looked in at me! In the past, the hummingbirds have come up to the flower shaped post-its that are stuck to the window, but this little guy (or girl?) was here to see me! Yay! And thank you.

Wow. Where was I ?

Oh, I know. I was feeling bad for having been shrew-ish and ungenerous lately. The thing is, I'm feeling the expectations that other people have of me in my roles 1) at work, and 2) in a personal situation. I know what other people want of me and it makes me feel powerless. This sensitivity to other peoples' expectations is an old old habit that I have worked very hard to minimize, and truthfully, I thought I had a really good handle on it.

But here's the thing - I had learned to manage this sensitivity in the life I used to have, and I didn't realize that if things changed, I would have to readjust my coping abilities.

(big sigh).**

Well, the good news is that I know what I need to do. Adjust. Accept. Grow. Move. Become. Blossom.***

So here I go.

xoxo

*or as gracefully.
**and a big AHA.
***whew.

Thanks, Lisa!

2010-07-12T23:01:00.000-07:00

I feel like I've hit a bit of a rough patch. Things in my life are BIG and I'm working really hard to grow into them, but today I was feeling a bit all on my own out here. I mean, I know that the only way out of this place is to go through it but still, it kind of sucks.*

And then I had dinner with my dear friend Lisa.

We haven't seen each other in far too many months** but it was like no time had passed at all. And it was exactly what I needed.

Dear Lisa, thank you. Thank you thank you thank you thank you. I love you so very much.

This is a rough patch, but that's all it is and it too will pass.

But it will pass a lot more easily**** if I remember to call upon my friends while I'm going through it.

So, friends? Expect my call.

xoxo

*I'm not going to lie to you.
**We exchanged Christmas presents tonight.***
***From Christmas 2009.
****And a lot more quickly, I daresay.

sign after sign after sign

2010-07-06T23:15:00.000-07:00

I saw them. I did. I just didn't quite connect them, you know?

1. I took a special yoga workshop a few weeks ago. We did 108 sun salutations.* I've taken this workshop before and I always look forward to it. 108 never sounds like all that many to me until I'm about 27 sun salutations into the sequence, feel exhausted and remember I've got 81 left to go. This time was particularly challenging because fairly early on I realized that I had pulled a muscle in my left shoulder. I can't do this, I thought. I should leave. ** But I didn't leave. I figured out how to modify the poses so I could continue. Even though I could still participate, I struggled. I went into the workshop exhausted, so I didn't have a reserve of energy to draw on, and that made the middle part - from about #30 to about #90 - a bit of a slog. I spent a lot of time in child's pose. Turns out, resting was exactly what I needed. But even that wasn't the lesson of the day. I went into the workshop thinking I'd do 108 sun salutations and that the most important moment would be right then at the end when I was done. Well, I was wrong. Not only did I not do 108 sun salutes, the most important moment was actually before we took a single pose. The whole group of us stood at the top of our mats, hands together at our hearts, and we breathed in and out, mindfully, together. In that moment we honored the intention that brought us together. That was the moment that mattered.

2. I went to a wonderful yoga class yesterday. I don't get to the class often (or ever, really) because it's on Monday morning, but yesterday was a holiday and even though there were several other classes I could have attended later in the day, this one called to me. And towards the end of the class, as part of the lesson of the day, our teacher said this: everything is already okay. I know it was part of a larger lesson, but really, that was the only thing I heard.

3. Tonight I went to Happy Hour with one of my colleagues. I have been at this job for two months and every week someone has told me how glad they are I'm there and how much my boss likes me*** and every week I've let these messages go in one ear and out the other. But tonight for some reason I was ready (able?) to hear them. And I feel so lucky - not only do I love the work I get to do, I love the people I get to work with. These are my people. This is what I've been looking for.

Driving home tonight it all came together for me. Not just this job, but this place in life is what I've been working for and preparing for all these years. I feel like I spend part of every day lurching around so ungracefully, both at work and with my darling S.O. but it is finally dawning on me that really, none of that matters - everything is already okay and the fact that I get up every morning, get dressed and head out with the best intention, well, that's really the only thing that's important.

*I'm not crazy, I swear.
**OMG so dramatic.
***which is so great to hear because I'm a huge fan of my boss. He's the reason I wanted this job in the first place.

Feeling so clumsy

2010-07-05T19:29:00.001-07:00

Lately I have been feeling clumsy. Not physically, but emotionally, mentally, and intellectually.

I mean, at work I feel like sometimes I lurch around so ungracefully. I'm a little worried that my team is averting their eyes so as to pretend they don't notice me flailing about. I'm just trying not to bang into any of the furniture.

the roses!

2010-07-03T17:45:00.000-07:00

I was in the garden with my mother yesterday and came away with a bucket full of roses and gladiolas. Mom only stopped clipping when we couldn't fit any more flowers into my bucket! So I am at home surrounded by flowers - they're in every room - and I'm loving their fragrant beauty. This informal jumble is in the living room and it is bringing me such joy, I had to share.

Wishing you all a restorative, festive, happy holiday weekend.

xoxo

2010-06-28T21:46:00.001-07:00

Messengers (two)

2010-06-27T23:16:00.000-07:00

A couple weeks ago I flew to Charleston for a quick trip even though a part of me didn't want to.

I was exhausted. Work was intense and my schedule had been a little bit ridiculous.* But I was going to see my S.O. and I was missing him muchly, so I never actually considered not going.** I did worry just a little bit that showing up bedraggled and exhausted might not be putting my best foot forward, but bless him, I also knew that he would be just fine if all we did was curl up and watch World Cup soccer for two days.

So I went.

And an amazing thing happened. I met two people - one as I was heading to Charleston, and the other as I was heading home - who were messengers. For me.

The first was my seatmate on the first flight. The crazy thing is she wasn't supposed to be on that plane, but she had missed a connection earlier in the day so she was stuck on the redeye. In the seat next to mine.

Now I am not a talker on planes, especially on overnight flights. I have headphones and an eyemask and I tend to get on, settle in and go to sleep. But somehow Kelly and I got to chatting and I quickly realized that where she is right now is very similar to where I was a year ago. She had left a job she knew wasn't right for her and while she knew that was exactly what she needed to do, she didn't know what was coming next.

All I could do was share my story. As long she was walking her path, as long as she was courageous and true, I could assure her that she would be okay. But here's the thing: as much as I could reassure her, she affirmed me. She listened. She mirrored. She shepherded me through the night on that plane, giving me first her paperback novel and then her hardback teacher's copy of "A Course in Miracles".

A course in miracles? Yes. Absolutely.

Kelly was the first messenger and I know I'm not doing her justice in this post but trust me, she's something else. I hope we meet again.

Then I spent two lovely days with my S.O. who is so wonderful.***  He's just the best partner to me. We really enjoyed seeing all the different parts of historic Charleston, but it was so hot and humid, we ended up spending a good part of each day curled up watching World Cup soccer, drinking gin and tonics (gins and tonics? Whatever.) It was great.

5:45 am Monday morning came way too quickly, but I had a plane to catch so went down to the lobby of the hotel, called a cab, and went outside to wait.

A few minutes later a Town Car pulled up. It was definitely not the Yellow Cab that the bellman had called for me, yet somehow I knew this was my ride. The driver got out of the car and went inside and before long, the bellman came out to us. The cab would arrive soon, he said, but the Town Car was there and it would only cost $6 more than the cab to get to the airport. Would I like to take the Town Car?

See what I mean? That car was there for me.

So I said goodbye to my sweet S.O. and started the journey home. The driver and I got talking about life and family and love**** and he gave me a bit of insight that helped realign some important things for me. It was the kind of fog-lifting, world-shifting thing that sometimes you can only hear from a stranger. I am bigger, softer and kinder for it. And I am so very thankful.

Here's the thing - I wasn't supposed to be in that car. First of all, I wasn't supposed to travel home that Monday morning, but I had changed my flights to do so. Also, I called a cab. There was no reason for this driver to show up at my hotel right then (5:45 am!). But just as I was getting a little twitchy about waiting for the cab, and as I was really sad about leaving my S.O., this driver appeared and helped me through both those worries.

So to both messengers I send my thanks. Thank you for traveling with me, and thank you Universe for sending them. I am - as I often say - ever grateful.

xoxo

*In that particular week, I had returned from Boston just two days earlier and this would be the fifth consecutive weekend that I was away from home (and my fifth cross-country trip in twelve weeks).
**Yes, he's worth it. He really is.
***He's the one, in case I haven't mentioned it (and I mean that - he's the ONE).
****He saw me say good bye to my S.O.

Band Practice

2010-06-25T19:51:00.000-07:00

I'm in a band!

Well, sort of.

We don't actually play music of the traditional kind.* But I would say (and I'm pretty sure my bandmates would agree) that we make our own music, which really involves talking. And listening. Being present. Sharing our truths. Holding ideas, wishes, hopes and vision for each other.

It's pretty great.

Last night we had band practice** and it was - as it always is - wonderful, nourishing, inspiring.

We're quite different from one another and that's part of what makes our band so fantastic. We trade off singing lead, and we each provide backup and harmony to the others. I feel so tremendously fortunate to be in the company of these women because I know that they are all destined for great things.***

So if you don't have a band, I encourage you to find one. Start one. Join one. Find the people who feed your soul and your spirit. Serve some ice cream. See what happens.

xoxo

*Or of any kind, really.
**And by "practice" I mostly mean "dinner" but still, I feel like we were practicing for something yet to come.
***They TOTALLY are! Actually, they're all pretty great already, but a greater bigness awaits them.****
****Yes, bigness.

staying home

2010-06-18T21:08:00.000-07:00

This is my first weekend at home in six weeks and I am so happy to be here.

I could tidy up. Run the vacuum. Do the laundry. And normally I would get up and do that stuff right away, but not this weekend. This weekend I'm starting with a different list. It's not the "must do" list, it's the "want to" list:

- Putter around on the balcony. Repot some plants.
- Knit.
- Sleep.
- Read. Maybe.
- Recover.
- Exhale.
- Do 108 sun salutations.
- Celebrate my really wonderful dad.

I probably will get to laundry at some point and I really should take out the trash, but only after I've made great headway on the "want to" list.

I wish you all a lovely and restorative weekend.

xoxo

The visitation

2010-06-10T21:03:00.000-07:00

An old friend stopped by today.

He is on a road trip across the country from the East Coast and back, visiting family and old friends on the way and he stayed in town an extra day just to see me.

I haven't seen him in a while and we've only been in sporadic touch for the past several years though I have kept up (we have a mutual friend who is the glue for a bunch of us). Still, I kind of thought we might have grown apart.

I was wrong.

His visit was lovely. He has evolved so much since we were in high school and college when (it seemed to me) he spent a lot of energy being the person he thought he "should" be than the person he truly was/is.

You see, when we were younger, I often sensed a sort of frenetic energy about him as he worked so hard to keep up with what he thought other people were expecting of him. Perhaps I felt it because I working so hard to keep up with what I thought other people were expecting of me. I think that's why I can sense the groundedness that he has now. And just maybe that's why I can tell him that even though the future is foggy, it's going to be okay because he's not trying to be anyone but exactly who he is.

Then again, maybe this isn't about him and his evolution at all, but about me and mine. Maybe this was just another way for the Universe to let me know that there are others on this journey with me and to gently remind me that love and affirmation will continue to flow to me from all sorts of surprising places if I just continue to say yes. Even when I'm jetlagged and sleep deprived and stressed, all I have to do is say yes to these opportunities.

We only had an hour together today and it was not enough time to truly catch up, but it was good enough for us to reconnect at a really deep level. I'm so grateful that he made the time for me.

I am the very last person that he visited on the west coast. After leaving me, he got in his car and headed towards home.

Complexity and simplicity

2010-05-29T10:46:00.000-07:00

I forgot what it's like to start a new job.

I am in meetings constantly these days. All I do is listen and sometimes I talk (I try to do the former more than the latter - I'm not always successful). Yesterday I think I set a personal record with eleven hours of meetings. I swear.*

I forgot how overwhelming it is to have everything be new, to not have a filter for information, or to know who to call when I have a question. This position is so much more than I expected from the job description and there is a tremendous amount of expectation that has been built up for it.

There was no way to anticipate how big this is and I am not only physically exhausted, I'm mentally spent.

This morning I tried to identify what we're going to do, what pieces we need in order to do what I want to do, and what resources we need to get everything done, but every time I sit down to map this out, I get stymied at the enormity of it all. There are so many moving pieces. So many gaps in resources. So many personalities. So many political land mines.

It's a lot.

I closed the computer and reached for a pad of paper to make a grocery list. I flipped open the pad cover to find only one sheet of paper left on that pad. There, scribbled across the top, was a note in my own handwriting:

Don't get hypnotized by complexity.

If ever I needed a sign, it was this morning.

These are big days. I wish I could capture and explain them better. I feel a different sort of faith in my journey than I had last year. Last year I had faith that I'd find my way. Now I have faith that I can do what's being asked of me - because this isn't actually being asked of me, this is what I asked for.

This job is enormous. It is the biggest job I've ever held and I have never done half of the things that are expected of my position, but unlike other jobs, I don't feel like a fraud or a phony. I know I can do this. It requires new ways of working, of managing, of thinking and what I'm finding is that I already know what to do - that's the amazing and crazy bit - I already know how to work at this level. All I have to do is keep a clear head about what it is that we need to do and not get bogged down in the weeds.

And maybe it sounds so simple because, in fact, it really is.

*They started with an 8 am breakfast and went straight through to 7 pm. I even had a "pedi-conference" in which one of my team members walked with me from one meeting to another in order to get time with me yesterday.

Wish 25 - my home

2010-05-24T20:50:00.000-07:00

I love my little home.

I wake up every morning and look up at the sky through the treetops. I love the colors on the walls. All the furniture and art are things I have collected throughout my life and they are all meaningful to me. Everything goes together but nothing really matches. It's eclectic and kind of funky and I always felt it reflected me.

But it's also unfinished. The carpet in the living room needs to be replaced.* I'd love to get rid of these popcorn ceilings. I have a new lamp for the dining room, but haven't hung it up. The kitchen really needs an upgrade. Oh, and the bathroom fixtures are seriously dated.

Yet none of this ever really bothered me before. I'm kind of funky and unfinished too, I told myself, and I was/am, but there's more here. It always felt like my home was in limbo, as if I was just there temporarily, or waiting for something to happen before I could - or would - commit to completely inhabiting the space.

Turns out that's because I was in limbo. I was waiting for something to happen so that I would feel like I truly inhabited my life.

All those years that I spent hiding my true self, that I diminished myself so that I wouldn't be noticed (for good or bad), those were years in limbo. Those were years I spent avoiding my calling, not walking the path that was meant for me.

That has all changed and I feel it. I see myself differently and I realized the other night when I got home from work that my home doesn't really reflect me anymore.

Which is why I made Wish #25:

Wish 25: for my home to feel finished.
Still eclectic and kind of funky but not in a state of waiting anymore.
(Not pictured on the back: new floor, kitchen rehab, dining room chairs, dining room lamp,
and cleaned out of all things that no longer serve me)**

*OMG so seriously.
**I think I'm still kind of funky and eclectic. But I'm a lot more polished too. And I don't feel like I'm in limbo anymore.

Twitter feed from my first week at work

2010-05-14T20:54:00.000-07:00

I don't tweet, but if I did, this is what you would have seen this week:

Monday
- Plutokiller at the salad bar!
- Last one to leave the office - hope I set the alarm correctly.

Tuesday
- That guy over there invented string theory!
- Note to self: Look up string theory.
- Last one to leave the office again. Hope I set the alarm correctly.

Wednesday
- OMG that guy is dressed like a jedi. I wonder if he knows Star Wars was just a movie.
- No, wait, it seems he's just a member of the judo club. My bad.
- Last one to leave the office again. Haven't heard any criticism of the alarm setting, but still hope I do it right.

Thursday
- Set off the alarm at the office when I came in - apparently I have been setting the alarm correctly at night.
- My business cards arrived! I'm real!
- Sat in meetings from 8:45 am until 5:45 pm. Brain = full.
- Last one to leave the office again. Feeling pretty good about my ability to lock up.

Friday
- What the hell? Somebody just fired a cannon!
- Not the last one to leave. Hah!
- Met some people from work for margaritas.
- Can't wait to go back on Monday.

xoxo

Warrior am I.

2010-05-13T20:10:00.000-07:00

Today there was a special reunion lunch on campus for alumni who served in World War 2.

The lunch is called "The War Years" lunch. Except I heard it wrong and called it "The Warriors" lunch, which I prefer in a way. "The War Years" makes these guys sound old and doddery (which, I realize, they mostly are), but "The Warriors" makes me think about who they were when they were in school. I'll bet they were full of energy and drive and passion back then. Good for them.

The word "warrior" stuck with me all day and finally I realized why.

My amazing friend, Heidi Rose Robbins, who is a gifted astrologer and warm, immeasurably gorgeous person all around, read my astrological chart for the first time a couple years ago. To my great surprise, she revealed that I have significant Scorpio influence even though my sign is not Scorpio.

The mantra of Scorpio is this:

Warrior am I, and from the battle I emerge triumphant.

I remember when she first told me about this.

I remember thinking yes. I remember feeling that this described me, my life, my experience, so well. I remember the feeling of peace that overcame me. Like I could breathe again. Like I hadn't been making it all up. That it really had been that hard sometimes.

And then I realized something else: no matter how bad things got, I would emerge triumphant at the end. Every time.

Now, I'm not talking about war. Forget the goofy, Hollywood-generated image that I conjured of myself in a post-apocalyptic world, atop a heap of rubble with fires in the background and a sword in my hand.* My battles were much less dramatic in scope** but they were real and they were grueling to me.

I mused on all this as I sat in my office this evening, exhausted, at the end of another day of meetings. I am a little overwhelmed at the amount of information I am taking in these days. I am also amazed and delighted that unlike other jobs, this one gets better every day.

It is without question most amazing opportunity I have ever had and right not it doesn't feel like a battle so much as boot camp*** but what I realized today is that it doesn't matter how tired I feel right now. It doesn't matter that I can't see how I'm going to get done all the things that I think are being asked of me. Warrior am I.

And everything is going to be just fine.

*It might have actually been a cricket bat.
**Also much less blood. And no explosions.
***I'm guessing, having never been to boot camp.

Gentleness

2010-05-08T15:59:00.000-07:00

Be kind, for everyone you know is fighting a great battle.
- Plato

Yesterday I attended a memorial service on campus yesterday for a faculty member who succumbed to depression earlier this year and took his own life. The campus community was shocked and terribly saddened at the news. A few months have passed and most of the shock has worn off but there is still tremendous grief and a profound sense of loss.

Not only was this a man whose pioneering and award-winning research changed our understanding of the universe, he also mentored a generation of young scientists and their work will, without question, vastly expand the limits of what we know. At 52, he had a successful career and was devoted to his young sons. By all accounts he was brilliant and talented, an outstanding friend, and a warm, generous human being. Some knew he had been struggling with personal issues but I don't think anyone was aware of the depth of his despair.

On Thursday, I asked my team to share with me one thing they wish they had known when they started working at our organization. On Friday, after the memorial, I received this reply:

Faculty and students can be fragile. Emphasize their hearts instead of their brilliance. Make their lives better.

There were other things too, but this was the important part.

Yesterday was my third day at work and I'm pretty sure this is the most important thing I will ever learn there - or anywhere. So today I am taking a break. I went to my mom's garden and picked an enormous bunch of roses. I'm going to call Piper in a little while. The water is on for tea. Today I am being gentle with myself and I encourage you to do so as well.

Be gentle with yourselves and others. Remember that everyone is fighting a hard battle. Do what you can to help. Make their lives better.

xoxo

Does this count as a sign?

2010-05-07T06:36:00.000-07:00

Wednesday this week was my first day at work and that morning, my boss's assistant took me to the campus coffeehouse (my boss had been called out of town at the last minute).

Now, I was just excited that there is a campus coffeehouse - I don't have to rely on the coffeemaker in our office* if I don't want to. Plus there are a bunch of tables in a beautiful courtyard that looks like a great place for informal meetings.**

The only thing that could make this better, I thought, would be if they served Jones Coffee.*** And guess what?

They do!

I am about to head back for my third day at work. Right now I ask a lot of questions, do a lot of listening and try my best to absorb information.**** This job is bigger than I expected, it will be intense and, I suspect, frustrating at times, but I welcome it all and I am ready.

Besides, I have a lovely office on a gorgeous campus, a team full of fantastic people and ready access to Jones Coffee, so it is all good!

xoxo

*Single-brew pouches. I understand that this seems to be a more "efficient" system - I just don't think the coffee is good.
**I'm a big fan of getting out of the office for meetings.
***The best coffee ever. I swear.
****I scribble a lot of notes too.

Wish 23 - DONE!

2010-05-03T19:17:00.000-07:00

It has been a long time coming, but it is finally done.
WHEW.

All we are saying is...

2010-04-26T19:25:00.000-07:00

I ordered pizza* today from a place near my freelance client's office and this was the message on the inside of the box:

Give a piece a chance!

The pizza was really good, but the box made me particularly happy so I thought I'd share.**

*Pepperoni with jalapenos and pineapple. mmmm!
**the box, not the pizza. Sorry!

Thanks for being here.

2010-04-24T11:49:00.000-07:00

Found this in my inbox yesterday. I love getting notes from the Universe:

Everyone in your life, intrepidgirl, was specially summoned to help you think and feel things you have never thought or felt before.

It's working, huh?

Crazy rascals,
The Universe
Which, of course, intrepidgirl, is why you summoned them....

Thank you all for being here. I have no doubt that you are here because my soul called yours. I want you to know that you make my life better. You make me better. And I appreciate you so very much.

xoxo

Serendipity

2010-04-23T19:55:00.000-07:00

I had such an interesting conversation today with Damon in the mail room at my freelance client's office. Damon revealed himself as a kindred spirit in the early days of my project and our conversations have been some of the nicest times of my tenure there.

Today we were talking about journeying through life and about having the faith to follow that path you're called to, even if you don't know where it leads.

I was telling him a bit about my experience of the past year and how amazing things have happened again and again and again since I decided to have faith and follow where I was called. It has been such a wonderful change from the blech times I had before. But, I said, I think everything happens the way it's supposed to.

I disagree he said. And this is the part I found so compelling: I think serendipity happens when you follow your calling. When things are challenging, it's because you're not on the right path.

Hm.

I agree with him, but I think that not everyone is ready for their calling until they resist it for a while and figure out what a crappy alternative that is.* And even then it might take a few times to really get the message.**

But when we do get it, when we muster our courage and find our faith, serendipity kicks in big time. It is just as Aeschylus wrote: When one is willing and eager, the gods join in.

*case in point: me.
**see "*"

The seeker, the doubter and the faithful.

2010-04-22T20:50:00.000-07:00

I was in Washington D.C. a couple weeks ago and saw a sign (which was, as many of them are, literally a sign):

Take a look at the smaller print. It says Our Church welcomes the Faithful, the Seeker, & the Doubter.*

I had just been inside the National Cathedral while Sunday service was going on. I walked into that soaring space as hundreds of voices united in song to give thanks and I burst into tears. I was overwhelmed with emotion because in that moment I let myself feel all that was inside and I felt held. I felt the Universe put its loving arms around me and say yes child, you really will be just fine.

Yet even with that feeling, I didn't feel like that congregation was the place for me. I mean, I wanted to join the community inside the National Cathedral. I did. I wanted to. Some ushers invited us visitors to take a seat with the congregation ("invited" is a nice word - I think they were encouraging us to sit down or move on) and I considered it, but it felt more like something I "should" do rather than something I really wanted to do.

So I quietly turned and walked out into the sunshine.

Next door to the National Cathedral is the tiny church of St. Alban's. I can't explain why I wasn't ready to move on, why I hadn't had my fill of Sunday service already, but I hadn't. Gingerly I entered the vestibule and stood peering through the open doorway into the little church where dozens of voices were raised in song.

I was just standing there - still weeping - when a nice woman approached me. Would you like to come inside she asked gently.

No, thank you, I said, ready to bolt. She smiled kindly at me. You are welcome to stay here in the back, she replied gently. We are glad you're here. And she and some others stood in the back too - they were nearby but they let me be.

I wept harder.

I have spent this past year practicing being faithful (which at times was really hard) and trusting that if I listened, my instincts would steer me the right way. That Sunday I was crying because I felt like the journey of this past year - and all the difficult years that came before - has been worth it.

I can't explain what I felt in that moment except that it was a knowing that I was in the right place.

I was surprised. I thought I'd feel a sense of belonging in the grand and majestic cathedral that makes my heart soar - but instead I felt at home in this tiny chapel next door where people like me - people who seek, who doubt and who practice having faith even when it's anxiety-inducing to do so - were welcome, just as we are even if all we wanted to do was stand in the back and cry. It was significant to me that they welcome complexity in their community. And for me, being there felt like an embrace.

St. Alban's felt like it fit me.**

I am feeling how well my life fits me. I have had to release a lot of things I thought would be or used to be "right" for me. That wasn't always easy. But for the first time in a really really long time, I know I am in the right place in life. I am in the right place in love. I am in the right place in my faith. I am in the right place with my family. I am in the right place with my friends. I am in the right place with work.

And perhaps most of all - I am in the right place with myself.

*I am all of those things!
**And it was only after this realization that I saw their sign. That's how I knew it was for me. Thank you, Universe. Thank you so very very much.

feeling charmed

2010-04-19T21:36:00.000-07:00

I start my new job on May 5 and have been emailing back and forth with a couple of my new colleagues to set up meetings before I start - you know, just to get the lay of the land* - so I can hit the ground running on my first day. Without exception, they say we are so excited that you're joining us.

This is a first for me (being on the receiving end of such unabashed enthusiasm, I mean) and I have to tell you, I'm excited!

Tomorrow I turn in the LAST BIT of my freelance project!** I'll spend the rest of the week fine-tuning it with my boss, but this is it. Whew.

Next week I head back to Washington, D.C. to spend a bit more time with Liz and a lot more time with my S.O.*** Then I fly home, visit my dentist and accountant, both of whom are SO FAB**** and then I start my new job!

I am feeling charmed right now, I really am. I mean, I am over the moon about my new job, I still love my freelance project, I can't wait to see Liz and my S.O. again (twice in a month for both - it feels like I won the lottery!) and I was thinking today that I have a great support team when it comes to doctors, dentists and the like.

So all the gremlins that try to make me worry about the future can go suck it. Right now I'm living a charmed life and I'm going to enjoy every minute of it.

xoxo

*What are the office hours? What is the dress code? Why do I keep getting asked if I have experience firing people?
**omg - HUGE.
***I'm so lucky! I can't wait.
****It's true. I even have a fantastic girly doctor too.

Things that make me happy

2010-04-19T07:22:00.003-07:00

Saw this sticker on a car last week. I think I need one.

Three choices

2010-04-18T07:32:00.000-07:00

I read the other day that there are really only three choices in any situation: give up, give in, or give it your all.

And I've been thinking about that.

I've been anxious lately about things to come - it's like I am planning to run a marathon and know where the finish line is but I don't have a map of the route so I don't know exactly what to expect.

It's as if I'm in great shape, I've been training, I have great shoes and a great team of runners who will run with me - and still I worry that I am not prepared for something.

Something like what? Hail? Locusts? That I'm going to show up on race day and find out that I'm supposed to run the marathon barefoot?

I mean, seriously.

I realized today that my anxiety is a form of giving in. Maybe even a little bit of giving up. By choosing to spend my energy on worry, I neglect the things that are good, and there are SO MANY MORE good things in my life than worrisome things. Still, I feel like I've been wrestling with anxiety a lot lately (and I mean anxiety over the "what could happen" types of things - not over real problems) and I've been trying to figure out why this theme has been recurring, and seeming to escalate (I've had lots of tearful conversations lately).

This morning I read something Oprah Winfrey said. The universe talks to you first in a whisper, and then gets louder and louder until you get the message.

Oh.

Dear Universe, I think I got the message. Thank you.

This is important for me to sort out now because my life is shifting in a big way. Things were fine before but I am being presented with incredible opportunities in life and work and love. I mean, it is one thing after another from my Mondo Beyondo list and since these are the fiercest and most fervent (and I will say, boldest) dreams of my heart, now is not the time to give in or give up.

Now is the time for me to give it my all, to step up and show (myself most of all) everything that I am capable of.

Firestarter Fridays - The Elders

2010-04-16T07:41:00.000-07:00

It's been such a long time since I posted about Firestarters that I feel like I need to offer some explanation (bear with me):

Last summer when I was entirely independent, I felt the liberty to dream, to imagine, to think BIGGER and bolder than I ever have before. Instead of slamming the door in the face of my fervent hope - and, what I truly believe is my purpose on earth - which is to be involved in the conversations, the concepts and with the people who are changing the world, I left the door open. Just a crack, at first, but it was wide open by the end of the summer and I knew I'd never go back to living as I had before, with the doors and windows closed up tight against any dreams that might come knocking.

But as I started my longterm freelance project, I felt I had to close the door on dreaming for a while. In part because the work was mentally consuming but also because the organization's core mission wasn't meaningful to me and I knew that I would dwell on that if I let myself. If I looked at the firestarters in the world, I would be sad that I wasn't out there with them.

So I didn't look.

Intellectually (and financially) I am grateful for the project and I am proud that my work is helping a storied art and educational organization chart its course for the next several years.

I am also grateful for the project because it is exactly what I asked for. I wanted to do strategy work for a non-profit art organization AND I wanted to be freelance, to be dispassionate about the project (or so I thought).

To do the project, I made a conscious decision to pause on the dreaming front when I thought it would only be for a few months. I didn't have a plan for what I would do if the project got extended, and I have felt the impact of holding back on my dreams for so long. It turns out I can't separate my "dreams" from my "life" or my "life" from my "work." I am just not wired that way.

But this freelance project led me directly to my amazing new job so I know that even as things weren't ideal, they were right for me. It was exactly the experience I was supposed to have and precisely the lesson I needed to learn.

My soon-to-be boss has been at the Skoll World Forum on Social Entrepreneurship this week. I discovered SWF last summer and immediately began to dream of attending. I didn't know what I could do that would qualify me to be there, but I fervently want to spend a few days in the company of these amazing, passionate, visionary people from all over the globe, firestarters all.

It was from the SWF that I discovered The Elders.

The Elders are an independent group of eminent global leaders, brought together by Nelson Mandela, who offer their collective influence and experience to support peace building, help address major causes of human suffering and promote the shared interests of humanity.

They include Kofi Annan, Ela Bhatt, Desmond Tutu, Mary Robinson, Martti Ahitisaari, Lakhdar Brahimi, Fernando Cardoso, Graca Michel, Gro Brundtland and Jimmy Carter. I hadn't heard of all of them before discovering The Elders but I am awed and inspired by this assembly. I read this recap of a trip to the Middle East last summer by the group and was just taken by the opening passage:

I have come to realize that these Elders did not come to be world figures by lolling about and getting massages at the hotel. One of the hallmarks of a great leader, it seems, is stamina…I can only imagine how daunting the schedule of these folks while they were in office. (Parenthetically, despite the 8am – 10pm schedules with virtually no breaks, I am convinced that we were all just slowing down President Carter).

I was just struck by this. All of these people could be quietly enjoying retirement somewhere but they put themselves back out into the world, into the places where there is suffering and war and poverty to see what they can do to help. They're out there, keeping these issues in conversation on the world stage and that's why they're this week's Firestarters.

I want to say thank you to these Elders, and to the Elders and Sages everywhere who do the work, set the example and work without the spotlight to alleviate human suffering where and on whatever scale they find it.

I also want to say to those of you reading - I know you do this too - you wouldn't be here otherwise. Thank you.

xoxo

I love Anne Lamott

2010-04-14T21:26:00.000-07:00

Courage is fear that has said its prayers.
-Anne Lamott

I found this quotation last week and it has just stuck with me. I think it's because I've been thinking a lot lately about faith, which (for me, at least) goes hand in hand with courage.

Not "have to" but "get to"

2010-04-07T16:17:00.000-07:00

...that's the lesson I learned from my accountant yesterday.*

I don't have to do my freelance project, I get to. It has been a great gift - it really has - but I have felt myself starting to resent it and that feeling was really frustrating. I wanted to stay positive about it but it has been hard and sometimes painful.** But the truth is, the good far outweighs the bad so I'm going to give the good parts their due.

I don't have to finish it up, I get to. In fact, I get to wrap it up really well. So well, actually, that I will be proud of my work instead of dismissive of it. So well that I will focus on all the things that are great about my efforts and not the areas where I think the finished product falls short of "perfect." So well that my work will help this organization grow and prosper over the next five years as it has never done before.

I have been feeling somewhat powerless recently*** when it comes to this project. I've done a LOT of waiting for meaningful feedback from my boss while she keeps asking when she'll see more stuff from me. I have ended up reworking the same stuff over and over because I couldn't move forward without her input and I've been having some pretty wonky anxiety dreams lately.****

But my mind has been shifted and it has already changed most everything. Last night I had dreams, but none of them were anxiety-riddled. This morning I woke up early and got up right away like I used to when I was first on this project, back in the days when I was first excited about it.

I have realized how this mindset can apply to a number of other things I've been avoiding (or dreading) (or resenting) and the change there is liberating.

So if you need a great accountant who also functions in many ways as a life coach, I have one. And if you need a dose of gratitude, but can't quite figure out how to get there, I offer this to you: Change the words "have to" to "get to" and see what happens.

xoxo

*yes, my accountant. She rules!
**"Sometimes" might be an understatement.
***"Recently" might also be an understatement.
****Cindy Lauper appeared in my dream the other night and that's only the tip of the iceberg when it comes to "wonky".

One year ago

2010-04-04T09:21:00.001-07:00

This past Friday was a milestone - it marked one year since my last day at my old job. It was the one-year anniversary of the day that I went to HR for my exit interview, turned in my I.D. and keys and had to get a "visitor" badge just to get back to my car.

I can't believe it has already been a year and I can't believe it has only been a year.

One year ago I was heartbroken and anxious, unsure of what was to come.
One year ago I was grieving the loss of my amazing team.
One year ago I believed I would never find Love that didn't ask me to compromise.

One year ago I decided to take time off.
One year ago I started seeing signs that reminded me to believe in myself, to listen to my own heart in addition to (if not more than) my head.
One year ago I got the sense that for the first time in a really long time, I was heading in the direction I was meant to.
One year ago I started to believe that there were big, great, joyful things in store for me.

This past Friday was also a milestone of another sort: On the anniversary of a very sad day, I received in writing a job offer for a position that couldn't have been written for anyone but me. I also got to participate in a day-long meeting with my new team so instead of spending the day sad and grieving a loss as I did last year, I spent it energized and excited about things to come, starting officially in May.

Wish 22 has been granted in ways that I couldn't even fathom when I was making the wish to begin with. Thank you, Universe.

The other thing about this past Friday is that my S.O. was here and got to share this day with me. A year ago I had pretty much given up the idea that there would be a Love for me and I was okay with that. I would rather be alone than compromise, which is what relationships always felt like to me.

But clearly part of me was still hopeful - otherwise I wouldn't have written this wish:

or this affirmation:

and I'm so glad I did because my life is more with him in it.

One year ago I went out on my own with the notion that if I could be independent in work and in life, I would be fine. I would be spared more heartbreak and I would be free. But then again, one year ago, I thought I could be in charge of everything that happened.

One year ago the Universe started letting me know that everything was going to work out. I just had to be patient, courageous and open, but that all I needed to do so would be provided for me.

And it has been.

So here I am. One year older. Vastly different. Enthusiastically, unabashedly optimistic! And absolutely, immeasurably grateful.

Kristine's wish

2010-03-21T09:03:00.001-07:00

Last Thursday was my friend Kristine's birthday!* I sent her a bunch of wish tickets and she was brilliant enough to send this picture back to me:
Wish #232015 is Kristine's and now it's my wish too. But I'm going to be a bit ballsy and add on to it. Not only do I wish for this new year to be easy, relaxed, healthy and positive for her, I wish it to be big and breakthrough too. Oh, and also really really fun.

I've been sitting here thinking about all the things I want to write about Kristine and I have been feeling like don't know where to begin, but it's probably more accurate to say I don't know where I'd stop. So let me just say this little bit to her:

Kristine, you're one of my favorite people in the entire world. I marvel that the Universe saw fit to connect us all those many years ago and I have absolutely no intention of loosening my grip on our great friendship any time soon (or, really, ever).

For your great collaboration, camraderie, and cheer, for your wise counsel, incredibly generous spirit and your ability to see when I am in the dark, for all this and for so much more, I am so very grateful. I hope this next year is the best one yet.

xoxo

*Yay!

I made a wish without you (sorry).

2010-03-19T19:39:00.000-07:00

I have a confession.

I made a wish this week and didn't tell you.

Well, I didn't tell you outright. I posted it in the sidebar, but that's pretty subtle, I know.

The thing is, I was kind of embarrassed. I found myself wishing for this thing and feeling like it was too mundane for my list. It's not magical. It's not out there. It's really kind of practical.

I wish for a professional mentor.

I wish for a woman who I can talk to about work stuff. About how to dress. About how to accessorize. About how to work on the level I'm about to work, I hope.

I kept it to myself because I was kind of embarrassed. It seemed so...ordinary, I guess.

But it's not, really. This wish is bigger than just the person who comes into my life. This wish represents the fact that for the first time in my professional life I don't want to do everything by myself. I want help. I want collaborators. I want partners, each of us invested in the others' success.

So it's kind of a big deal yet I still struggled to share it and I think that might be why the Universe gave me some help.

Here's what happened: I made this wish and put it in the wishbowl on Wednesday morning and then, quite unrelated to this wish* on Thursday I reconnected with a woman I used to work with. She is high functioning, well-balanced, kind, funny and smart.** But the truly important part - and the reason I called her - she has always been very supportive of me professionally.***

It took a few hours before it hit me that she is exactly the kind of person I am looking for!

Wish 24? Wished and granted in 24 hours. Wow.

Thank you, Universe.

*Or so I thought.
**Also she dresses really well.
***I also really like her personally, so I was excited when we made a date to meet for drinks in a couple weeks.

The line between possible and impossible

2010-03-16T09:29:00.000-07:00

This is what I've been thinking about lately.

manifesting, sort of

2010-03-15T21:52:00.000-07:00

On Saturday I went shopping for a blouse. I wanted a grey silk tank top to wear with my black suit and since I had such a particular preference, I decided to manifest it.

I went to a shopping center that had 3 stores right in a row and started at the first. "I want a grey silk tank top" I said (probably out loud).

Nothing.

I went to the second, but it was chaos inside. Clothes were everywhere. People were everywhere. I couldn't take it so I left.

I went to the third store. "I am manifesting this blouse" I thought to myself and fifteen minutes (and umpteen racks) later - I found it! I found exactly the blouse I had pictured and I was really excited!*

Then I found four more great looking tank tops and took them all to the dressing room and...

...none of them fit me well enough to buy.**

I had been all uppity and full of myself - look what I manifested! - and then whammo! I was brought right back down to earth.

Turns out I forgot to manifest the part where the blouse looked good on me!***

Oops!

*And just a little bit full of myself.
**I'm serious!
***It was hilarious.

Gratitude and things that make me laugh

2010-03-12T08:30:00.000-08:00

I've been pretty anxious* these past few weeks.** Big surprise, right? Well, while I have been treading water in my sea of worry, I have found lifejackets in the gratitude that my friends write about. This post by Stacy about savoring each bite of food made me weep (in a good way). I am inspired by Karen's Weekly Gratitude posts and Daily Gratitude lists (and I'm just moony over the gratitude lists contributed by her son!) and I always look forward to Mel's Thankful Friday posts.

I feel so lucky that I get to share in my friends' gratitude because it helps me to stay present and aware of the things that I am grateful for. Because there is so much.***

So today I thought I'd add my voice to the chorus by sharing the things I'm grateful for because they make me laugh out loud.

So here it is - my gratitude list: the humor edition.

1. Izzy Spellman, heroine of Lisa Lutz's series. I love Izzy Spellman!
I discovered The Spellman Files quite by accident - I was in a bookstore in Laguna Beach and found it on a display of books recommended by the staff. I plowed through it and went back for Revenge of the Spellmans later that week!

Don't know about the Spellmans? Run! Run to your nearest bookstore (or just click here and get them from Amazon)!

2. I love snarky humor. Especially on baby shirts.

This one says:
I WANT YOU
to change my diaper.
(hee hee!)

2b. I love snarky humor in public places
I was in a fancy department store in London a couple years ago and they were doing some renovation, including moving some of the departments around and this sign was provided for shoppers looking for new skivvies:

I mean, they could have just said "Lingerie may now be found upstairs" but they added a little commentary and that's what earned them a place on the list. It made me laugh out loud on the spot.

3. Finally, with apologies to my blonde friends, I have to admit that I love blonde jokes. I can't help it. So when I found the keyboard for blondes, I laughed uproariously. Here are my favorite keys:

Happy Friday and happy weekend all. Thanks sharing your gratitude with me.
xoxo

*Some would say grouchy too. And weepy.
**"Weeks" might be a bit of an understatement.
***Even when I'm a big stressed out mess.

big ideas

2010-03-08T08:29:00.001-08:00

I have been thinking lately about BIG IDEAS. You know, the kinds of ideas that change the world. Like advanced robotic prosthetics for veterans. Getting women fired up about philanthropy. Educating girls in developing nations. And telling Congress to stop measuring success on who has the best one-liners and the majority.*

These are the kinds of ideas I used to think about. I thought about them all last year until I got my freelance job but then I stopped thinking about big ideas and spent my energy thinking instead about small things. About how to stay warm in my dank office at the client's facility and how to keep the faculty from yelling at me** and how to keep my sanity while I worked in isolation.

All of that really took a toll on me. On my spirit, really. Because I just kept thinking that if I worked "harder," if I spent more time in front of the computer and gave up all social activities and creative outlets and didn't make it to yoga regularly, that I would somehow make a breakthrough with the project.

Nope. Turns out, that's not how it works and I know it, but it was still so easy to slip back into that darkness and sacrifice all these seemingly "little" things and spend my energy struggling instead of living. Instead of resting. Instead of restoring and nourishing myself. Instead of giving myself more, I tried to make do with less.

Blech.

It's been painful. Thankfully, I have turned a corner.

It started when I was invited to interview for a job that I really want. That job is in a place that is all about big ideas and I was more animated and energized in that interview that I have ever been in my freelance project.

Then I moved my freelance work to my home office - just sitting here in the sunshine and quiet is wonderful.***

And this past weekend, I took off from work. Just took it off. I could have worked - there's plenty to do before a big meeting on Wednesday - but I needed the break. So I took it. I went shopping, did a lot of walking around and looking at things. I took the subway downtown to meet my friend Jill for brunch and instead of getting right back on the metro afterward, I meandered through the city streets and up to the Museum of Contemporary Art.

I didn't know what was on display but figured I'd get a modern art fix - that's always good for my soul. When I walked in, I gasped. I could see that the first room was full of Mark Rothko paintings! I swooned just a little bit right then and there.

I wasn't really looking for a sign that I was doing the right stuff for myself, but I figured a room full of Rothkos was as good a sign as any I would get. That was, until I got to the very LAST room in the show which had a wall drawing by Sol Lewitt.

Seriously, Universe? A room full of Rothkos and a Lewitt Wall Drawing? Thank you!

I was giddy with art.

I wandered back out into the city and got on the subway. On my way to brunch I had noticed an impressive ad campaign for two local hospitals, but it wasn't until I was about to leave the station on my way home that I saw this poster:

Formerly Blind?

That's a seriously awesome BIG IDEA!

My giddiness soared. I took the rest of the day off from work. I did some of my taxes. I went to my sister's house to watch the Oscars. And then, late late in the day, I made big progress on my freelance project (well, in my mind a least) because it occurred to me that instead of making it smaller, keeping it "manageable" (as I've been trying to do), it is as (or, perhaps, more) important to capture the big ideas, the sweeping and inspiring concepts, and all the swoon-worthy things about the organization before we get to the pages and pages of minutiae that I've been toiling over lately.

So I'm off to get another cup of coffee (another benefit to working from home - good coffee!) and then I'll start in on the big ideas part of this project and you know what? For the first time in weeks, I look forward to getting to work!

*I edited this post after getting Kelli's comment because telling Congress to shut up and fix health care (as I originally posted) isn't really what I'm after. I want them to stop modeling reactive behavior and start modeling collaborative leadership. I want them to tackle complex and long-term issues; to make their best estimates and then help the next generations figure out how we manage it all instead of declaring that they don't believe the estimates. That's the big idea, really. It's not about finding a simple, one-size-fits-all solution, it's about getting into - and teaching people how to manage - in the gray area because big ideas don't dwell in the black and white. Thanks for the nudge towards clarity, Kelli!

**turns out the answer to this is to work from home. Fine. Done.
***Not to mention the joy of working in sweats.

hummingbirds

2010-03-03T10:07:00.000-08:00

For the second time in two days, a hummingbird has appeared outside my window. I was sitting here at the computer when I heard the hum and looked outside just in time to see the little guy (or girl?) before he (she?) sped away.

I have been trying really hard to finish up my freelance project, but I'm working all by myself to manage an enormous amount of information and ideas and I feel like I am struggling to move this massive thing forward. To be honest, I have been struggling with it for weeks now and I'm nearly paralyzed with anxiety and worry.

What I need is someone to bat it around with. My S.O. was so so so helpful when he was here, but I need someone full time with me who will not only brainstorm but will also do some of the the editing and writing and all of the stupid formatting that needs to be done. That stuff just sucks my energy.

So I was feeling somewhat dejected and frustrated when the hummingbird appeared again today and I decided to see if there was symbolism associated with hummingbirds. Here's what I found:

In Native American culture, a hummingbird symbolizes timless joy and the Nectar of Life. It's a symbol for accomplishing that which seems impossible and will teach you how to find the miracle of joyful living from your own life circumstances.

Well alright, then.

This project isn't going to finish itself, so I'd better get back to it, but my spirit is lighter knowing that I've just gotten a sign about accomplishing that which seems impossible. And now, instead of focusing on the complexity and enormity of it, I am reminding myself that I have everything I need to finish this project.

Because I do.
xoxo

my desk and a new wish

2010-03-02T13:12:00.000-08:00

The reason my desk looks like this

Is because I am wishing for this:

getting up again

2010-03-02T08:52:00.001-08:00

The theme in yoga yesterday was "getting up after a fall." It doesn't matter how often you fall, our teacher said, what matters is that you get up again.

And then he led us through a series of asanas and gently encouraged us to "play the edge" - essentially, to push ourselves to the place that we would topple over. This wasn't about trying to master the pose, but about practicing striving for our best and getting up and trying again when we fell.

I fell a lot in class yesterday.

I fell out of some of my favorite poses, including side plank and half moon, because I played the edge in them.*

Then I picked myself up and I tried the poses again because you know what? I was striving to do my best, and I have finally learned that doing my best includes fumbling, falling and sometimes sitting there.

I used to be afraid of falling down in life - as if stumbling meant I failed somehow. What will people think, I used to worry, if they realize I'm not perfect?

Seriously. That's what I used to think.

Until one day I realized that in trying to be "perfect" I was limiting myself enormously. I wasn't trying to be my best. Hell, I wasn't even trying to be me. I was trying reeeeally hard to be something I thought other people wanted me to be.

Well, I'm over that.

Turns out I'm a faller. I stumble. And I have spent the past few years - and the past twelve months in particular - shifting my energy from preventing falls to embracing them.

I don't love falling while it's happening but I'm grateful for my spills because I learn from them. Although toppling over can be disorienting and scary, if I remember to breathe and collect myself - to sit there and rest a while when I need to - I find that getting up and trying again is really not that hard.

The same principles apply to when we are tripped. Last year my division was dissolved and every member of my wonderful team was either laid off (the majority of us) or reassigned (a very few). It was heartbreaking. It felt like a bully had pushed me down on the playground and I had scraped my knees. I cried a lot. But the Universe provided for me a cushion of time and severance pay that allowed me to sit there and rest a while, to catch my breath and wait for the fear and anxiety to pass. I didn't have to stand up until I felt like it.

And I didn't feel like getting back up again for a very long time.

But I am interviewing right now for a job I really want. This job will require me to strive for my very best and play my edge more than any job I've ever had and for the first time in my life, that's more exciting than it is terrifying.**

So, with gratitude to the Universe for granting me such a good long rest, I am getting back up. I've gotten halfway up several times this past year, but this time I am getting all the way back up because I am ready and because I know that when I fall again - which I will - I'll get back up again then too.

*Don't let me fool you here - I'm no super-yogi - for me, "playing the edge" in side plank means the teeniest of backbends from which I topple forward instead of backward. Go figure.
**It's still terrifying, believe me, but it's also really really really exciting.

there's so much

2010-03-01T08:31:00.000-08:00

There is so much going on, I have been overwhelmed and it was really really rough going for a few days last week while I was still working on my freelance project AND I was interviewing for a job I really want, AND my S.O. was here AND we were having some really intense (and important, but hard) conversations.

It was a lot.

It felt like everything was happening ALLATONCE and although I tried to focus my attention on these big things, I kept thinking about all the things I wasn't doing.

I haven't done my taxes.
I am pretty sure there's a phone bill around here that is now delinquent.
I have done zero yoga of late.
I'm out of touch with just about all of my friends.
There has not been enough food in the house to properly feed my darling S.O. (in my defense - I thought we would be out of town for a few days so I was wholly unprepared for being at home and feeding someone besides myself.)*

Even in this distracted state, the Universe managed to pass messages to me.

Friday I woke up to find this in my inbox:

intrepidgirl, I think you're amazing. I think your approach to life is dead-on. And I can't think of anything you've ever done that I wouldn't have done had I been in your shoes.

Still, beloved, I think we could have a little chat about visualizing more often. Seeing the end result in all its glorious detail, bypassing the cursed-hows, and feeling the emotions you expect to feel.

It was exactly the message I needed and literally minutes after reading it the phone rang** - it was the man I interviewed with on Monday telling me how impressed everyone was with me and how he was going to be in New York for work for the following week but didn't want any more time to go by without being in touch and letting me know what was happening on their end. He also let me know that he wanted me to come in to meet more people but wasn't sure it would happen before he got back and...and...and...

...all my brain could think was...

O...M...G...OMG! OMGOMGOMG!

I'm pretty sure I was calm while speaking on the phone but the minute I hung up, I turned into Sally Field. They like me! They really like me!

Thank god my S.O. was here - otherwise I would have thought I made it all up.

But no.

They called me and they like me. And I like them.

So right now I am visualizing working there. I'm visualizing the job, including the challenges and the people I want to hire as soon as I get there.

Between here and there I'll have to interview with probably four or five more people (!) but you know what? That's just fine. In fact, I hope there are six or seven more people because I want this job. I am a great fit for this job and I will bring so much to this job, it will turn everyone on their ear with excitement, innovation and creativity.

So keep your fingers crossed!
xoxo

* still, it's not really fair to ask someone else to eat cereal for dinner, is it?
**at 8:26 am!

thanks, universe

2010-02-19T21:12:00.000-08:00

It feels like Universe pulled out all the stops this week, and let me tell you, I'm a bit dazzled. (Also, I really needed it, so let me just say up front Thank you, Universe.)

Here's what happened.

On Tuesday, I was in my office at my freelance job, depressed that the project has been extended again when the phone rang and I was invited to interview for a job that I applied for back in December!*

I was really excited until I started thinking through the logistics of interviewing:
My suits: One's a little too tight, the other is waaay too loose.
My black handbag: looking a little shabby
My black pumps: same as the black handbag

Also, I had just tossed out all the research material that I pulled together when I applied for this job because I figured they would have called by now, PLUS my freelance job was over the top stressful, AND my darling S.O. is arriving this weekend and there were 1,000 things I wanted to do before he gets here.

Overwhelmed? Yes. Definitely.

I started to feel panicky and then the most amazing thing happened:

I decided not to.

I decided that I had a choice with how I felt and panicky just wouldn't do.

Instead, I decided that everything would be okay. More than okay, in fact, I decided that everything would be really really great - as great as it could possibly be.

And you know what? It was.

I went to my sister Kate to borrow a fantastic black handbag when she suddenly said "hey I have these gorgeous black pumps that I never wear because the heels are super-high - do you want them?"

Um. Yes.

Then I went to a discount store and got a fab new suit for cheap. My one concern was that the pants were a little long but (you know what's coming next, right?) it turns out that the pumps my sister gave me are the perfect height for them - no emergency hemming needed.

That's when I really knew the Universe was on my side.

Today I showed up for the interview with plenty of time. I did a ton of research beforehand and I think the interview went well - I was prepared and even though I worried about it all week, once I got in the door, I was good. I hope I came across well and I really hope I get this job - I would love it and I would rock it - but you know what? That's one for the Universe. I did everything I could. I brought my best and that's all anyone can ask.

This was one of those weeks when I felt like everything just fell into place. Like I was in a movie or something.

Let's all hope for a happy ending.

xoxo

*Yay!

bursting into tears

2010-02-12T21:15:00.001-08:00

You probably know by now that I'm prone to bursting into tears.

Usually it's for joy. Or because I'm overwhelmed with emotion.*

Well, today I burst into tears three times. No, wait, make that four.

First, I found out that my freelance project is not, in fact, over. The client's Head of Finance was snowed in by the storms in Washington DC this week. When that happened I knew I'd have to go back on Tuesday. Still, I thought it was just one more day and only one person, so I figured okay, I can handle that. But because I couldn't finish this week, the other people on this project (my boss and her boss) just stopped working on it. We'll wait until you meet with the Head of Finance on Tuesday, they said, and turned their attention to other things.**

I'm actually glad for the extra time on this project - it's funny how much new information is coming at me in the final days - but I was ready for a week off because my darling S.O. is arriving next Saturday*** and I wanted the week to decompress. I wanted to do a whole lot of yoga and I rather desperately need to vacuum (and do laundry).****

The second reason I burst into tears is because I love letterpress. I love it. I have always loved fonts and type and beautifully set words and I have always always wanted to learn how to do letterpress. Today something clicked - I didn't just admit that I want to do it, I gave myself permission to actually DO it and started looking up letterpress classes.*****

There's a third thing that came right after the letterpress realization and I am not ready to talk about it. It was important and it was good - it just took me by surprise and I sobbed.

And the fourth time? This should come as no surprise - was during the opening ceremony of the Winter Olympics. I stood and sang along to O Canada (as best I could through tears). That's an amazing song.

I feel held and loved and okay - even thought this week didn't go exactly as planned and even though I don't get as much of next week to myself as I thought I would - it's okay.

Tonight I'm inspired by the parade of athletes. I love the nations whose athletes number fewer than ten, who know they don't have a shot at a medal but who are there, marching, to bring their very best and represent their country.

So, to all the things that inspire us, move us, and that bring us to tears in a good way, I say hooray.

xoxo

*Typically brought on by someone being really kind to me.

**I feel a little like I've just run a marathon, only to find that the finish line was moved. To next Thursday.

***yay!

****I should probably water the plants too.

*****Calligraphy too.

Signs in my horoscope (she says, slightly embarrassed)

2010-02-10T15:30:00.000-08:00

I feel really goofy saying this (and even goofier for posting it) but this has been going on for several days and it has gotten to the point that I can't dismiss it as a fluke or a one-off. You see, I haven't been to yoga in over a week so I'm starting to think the Universe has chosen an alternate delivery vehicle for signs and messages...my horoscope.*

Here's what it said yesterday:

For days, just about everyone you know and love has been telling you that things will get better if you just hang tough and keep your chin up. Just this once, they are actually right. You can stop worrying now, and forget about the thousand little things that have been keeping you from getting a good night's sleep for far too long. Just relax and the stars will work it out!

The "thousand little things" that the horoscope refers to? Those are the messages from my gremlins. The ones that say that I've done this project all wrong. That the client will ask for their money back. That I've been putting up a good front, but the client is about to see that it's all smoke & mirrors and that there's really nothing substantive to me or the work I do.

OMG. So rude.

My client is happy. They have been really pleased with my work and they have repeatedly said that they will bring me back in over the next few months and that they want to find a full-time role for me in the new fiscal year. Are they saying these things to keep me invested and encouraged and delivering my best? Perhaps, but that can't be their only motivation as they need this project to be good, to meet their needs and to set them on a course for the next five years. So if they weren't happy with what I was delivering, they would have said so long before now. I mean, I know they like me, but not enough to waste time, energy and money on a project just to keep me occupied.

This week has been a doozy - we're in the home stretch and the client keeps adding to what they want me to deliver so I really am not getting a ton of sleep. But here's the thing - I'm sleep deprived because my work is good. Not because of my gremlins.**

*If so, I appreciate that the Universe has made this adjustment for me because this week is a doozy. It's a good doozy, but still, my brain does not have the capacity to recognize signs that aren't smacking me in the face.

**Who can go suck it.

The life Iife for which I search

2010-02-08T08:41:00.000-08:00

It is not the easy or convenient life for which I search, but rather life lived to the edge of all my possibility.
-Mary Anne Radmacher

I keep reminding myself of this right now as I'm in the final days of my freelance project and EVERYTHING is due this week. Everything. I have to get it all out of my head and onto paper in a way that not only makes sense, but is compelling and is complete.

Easy? No. Convenient? No. Pushing me to the edge of my own possibility? Absolutely.

I know what I really want

2010-02-03T08:06:00.000-08:00

My freelance job is wrapping up in ten days* and there's a lot to do between now and then. I find that if I try to look more than just a couple hours ahead of where I am, I get a bit overwhelmed.

The old me would have felt paralyzed by the enormity of it, but as I have said so many times, I am not that person anymore.** Still, I worry a little that I don't have plans after this.

Actually, that's not true. I have plans! I am taking a couple months off so that I can do a lot of yoga and so I can freely travel with my darling S.O. I am going to knit and sew and spend time quietly because I want - and need - to create a clearing for myself. These are important plans and I have just realized how dismissive I've been of them

So let me restate that. I have plans. And I am so looking forward to diving deeply back into myself.

The little voice in my head says That's nice and good, but at some point in the future you need to earn a paycheck, so you should be working towards that too. Real plans are productive. They are about the rest of your life. They are about getting a job. Real plans result in a paycheck or a promotion or some publicity.

And to the little voice I say FUCKOFF.

I don't know what kind of work I want next and I think that's because I'm not supposed to "work" next.

Aha.

I think I'm catching on here.

I have spent so much energy lately fretting that I don't know what kind of work I want to do next that I almost completely overlooked the things that I do know. And that's a shame because I know some important stuff.

I know that I want to step off this hamster wheel and be quiet for a while.

I know that I want to wrap up this project really well.

I know I want to return myself to openness.

and really, truly, I know with absolute certainty that whatever is coming next will reveal itself when the time is right.

So it turns out another affirmation has come true.

I know what I really want.***

I just didn't realize it until now.

*not that I'm counting.
**Thank god.

***The little guy in the picture is my nephew. Isn't he the cutest?

two signs

2010-01-29T07:34:00.000-08:00

My freelance job has been frustrating lately. It's just big and complex with a lot of moving parts and a lot of egos to manage and a lot of pent up frustration among the faculty that gets vented over and over and over (often at me*).

It's still an amazing challenge and I still love it.

Just not all the time.

Fortunately this week I have been bolstered by a couple signs.

The other night Tavis Smiley interviewed Hillary Rodham Clinton and my ears perked up as he asked her about the relentless media coverage she receives. She is quite probably the most profiled - and honestly, the most criticized - woman in our government ever and he asked how she manages it. I read all of it, she said, because I know there are things I can learn from seeing a different perspective. Then she said this:

I take it seriously. But I don't take it personally.

And a lightbulb switched on in my life. Thank you, Hillary. I'm trying to keep this in mind at work right now.**

Today I have two big meetings. The first is with my boss (in four hours) and then a few hours after that, with the CEO. I haven't figured out what I'm presenting so I'm a little stressed right now. I went to bed with notes for work. I woke up and jotted more notes.

And then I checked email.

I love checking emails on Friday morning because I know I'll have a message from The Universe. Here's what was waiting for me today:

Would you ever take a journey, intrepidgirl, if you knew ahead of time that you'd become hopelessly lost, have your heart broken into pieces, and sometimes wish you'd never been born?

(I read that part and thought That's how I feel at work RIGHT NOW!)

Now, how about if you knew ahead of time that on that very same journey you'd also find yourself, fall passionately in love, and live happily ever after?

And I smiled. THIS is actually how I feel. I might feel lost in some ways but I know this is the right path, that everything is going to work out perfectly well and that all of this - even the hard parts - are leading to happily ever after.

But the thing is, I don't just want happily ever after for me. I want it for you too. I also want it for my project, for this organization and yes, even for the faculty.

So I am packing up my notes and heading back to the office to prepare for my big meetings and I know they'll be good meetings. Because I take this job seriously.

I just don't take it personally anymore.

*Or behind my back. It's not actually about me but I'm the catalyst for releasing it. And while I know this is so critically important for this organization, it sucks sometimes.
**It's not easy. Especially with the faculty.

Wish #22 - amended

2010-01-24T17:15:00.000-08:00

I have amended Wish 22 because I don't want to start a job in March. Or in April, for that matter. I want to take those months off from full-time work. I want to read, to knit, to think. I want to do a lot of yoga and have some room to breathe. I want to travel with my S.O. to Napa, Austin and Washington DC and not worry about requesting time off from anyone. I want to see my friends and my cousin in San Diego and I've promised my aunt* in Cleveland that I'd swing by there too.

So I have plans but I'm also not closing any doors. If a great freelance project comes my way during the first few weeks of March I'll take it.

But only if it's great.**

*Yes, my aunt the nun - love her!
**Great = doing strategy consulting for fantastic people doing smart work. Doesn't matter what field - I can strategize about anything - but it must be nearby and pay well. With no yelling.

Angels (in human form)

2010-01-22T16:48:00.001-08:00

I did not want to go back to my freelance job this week. After the blowup with the faculty in December I've had a really hard time putting my head and heart back into that project. I was already feeling vulnerable and it didn't help when, on my first day back, someone asked if I was wearing my body armor.*

I hid out in my office for three days working on all the parts of the project except the faculty part and I felt really small. And worried. And not brave.

So the Universe sent me angel after angel in human form to shepherd and support me until I got my mojo back.

One of my oldest friends came for a visit.
A brand new person** called me up and we had a conversation full of hope, optimism and and inspiration right at the moment I was feeling like things were dark and bleak and that I had absolutely no future whatsoever.***
Instead of replying to an email that I sent, a friend of mine called me to tell me how much she loves me. Our conversation was a balm to my battered spirit.
I had lunch with my darling sister Megan on Thursday whose grace and resilience is so beautiful and whose indignation on my behalf was a shot in the arm. I love Megan.
My cousin Karen talked to me late into the night and (gently and lovingly) pointed out where I was putting limitations on myself that were completelystressingmeout. If I was putting them there, she said, I could remove them. Thanks, Karen.
The lovely guy in the mail room reminded me that leaders are the ones who take the hits sometimes. It was this conversation that got me to buck up at the office and start acting like a leader again. I stopped hiding. I reached out to the faculty and offered a helping hand.
Heather, a yogi who radiates sunshine is designing a healing and restorative yoga session just for me. Just the idea of it helped me turn the corner from feeling broken to feeling myself start to mend.

There were so many more. Meri, Piper and Liz who always seem to know the perfect time to call or email. There was good cheer from Kristine and beer news from Sean, two invitations to reunite with old teams, and a snarky text from Josephine that made me laugh out loud. I have a print up in my office - a gift from my friend Karen - that gave me great cheer this week. And my S.O. was steadfast, loving, and just plain awesome throughout.

I also think I need to also give a shout out to California's Governor and Attorney General who refused to defend the Constitutionality of Proposition 8. They refused. I love that. Good for you both.****

At the start of this rough week, I heard Sandra Bullock thank her husband during her Golden Globe acceptance speech. There's no surprise that my work got better when I met you, she said, because I never knew what it felt like for someone to have my back. That stuck with me and all week long as I was feeling scared and small, I also felt myself propped up, defended and loved by all the angels in human form in my life.

And it is no surprise to me that my work and my spirit got better this week because I knew you had my back.

Thank you all. xoxo

*He was kidding. Mostly.
**I haven't even met Amy - we've been "set up" by a mutual friend who just has a sense that she & I need to know one another.
***omg SO dramatic.
****Prop 8 is wrong and it's bad legislation. It's a dangerous precedent and needs to be overturned so thank you Arnold and Jerry for taking this stand. And for not spending my tax dollars defending bad law. The law is being "defended" by private citizens/groups who are opposed to gay marriage. And equal rights.

Francesca's wish

2010-01-22T07:13:00.001-08:00

My friend Francesca came for a short visit this week and each night we curled up on the couch with our dinner and our glasses of wine and we talked and talked and talked.* We've been friends for ages and I would compare our friendship to an old pair of jeans - comfortable and soft - and I think she'd agree.

I gave Frannie a wish ticket** when she arrived and she left it on my desk when she departed.

Francesca is starting a non-profit organization called "Back on Track" to help teenage prostitutes reclaim their lives. Her wish is for the funding to get up and running and it's now my wish too.

If you haven't read anything about human trafficking and the sex trade, I encourage you to read the Introduction and first chapter of Half the Sky by Nicholas Kristof and Sheryl WuDunn, or just look up their writing online. Your heart will break. But when it mends, get fierce about protecting the girls in your life and the girls in the world.

Here's to you Francesca. xoxo

*and talked and talked and talked! Those of you who know us both will attest that this is no exaggeration - the two of us can talk!
**Number 232003

Wishes, jigsaw puzzles and superpower

2010-01-20T20:15:00.000-08:00

I have been thinking a lot about my wishes lately. Really, I've been wondering why I haven't been making wishes lately. I have been thinking about the ones I've already made and I have enjoyed making wishes for you, but I also felt like I wasn't moving forward, which is frustrating because there is so much I want.

A great new job.
The ability to work and travel a lot so I can meet my S.O. in all sorts of wonderful places.
The willingness to shed my old sense of self and my old "should's" for myself and embrace who I actually am so that I can be her, fully.*
More generosity towards others.
A clear sense of what I'm supposed to do with my life.

I want to feel like I play in the same league as my S.O.
and I want a J. Crew Campo handbag in purple patent leather.**

I was musing on those thoughts the other day when I read my horoscope:

If you want it, you can have it now. There's just no other way to say it. If you really want it, you won't be shy about letting that fact be known, which means the universe will step in and make the arrangements for you. Basically, all you have to do now is to show up with a wish list. Pretend you're five, you're sitting on Santa's lap, and you've been a very, very good kid. Then look outside. The bike will be waiting outside your door with the bell, the streamers, basket and everything!

ooh! ooh! ooh!***

Unfortunately the Campo handbag has yet to show up on my doorstep, but I did get one bit of clarity - I figured out my superpower.

I can't predict the future - I don't know when there will be an earthquake or the market will crash or health care reform will finally pass. But I can take a look at your puzzle pieces and tell you what it will look like when they're all put together.

It's like I can see the picture on the top of a jigsaw puzzle box when others can't.

Here's an example: I met this girl whose career was seriously stuck. We had one lunch meeting in which she talked about her business and what she wanted to be/do, what she had tried, what she thought would work and didn't (and what did)... I listened and asked a lot of questions and by dessert, I repositioned her brand and proposed a new approach to her business that would be easily launched, in a niche she could own, and could work on multiple levels.

Fast forward four months and she is hosting a panel at SXSW 2010 on this exact topic!****

That's what I mean. It's like she had a whole bunch of puzzle pieces but didn't know how to put them together because she didn't know what picture they would make. That's what I do - I help people see the picture so that they can put the pieces together.

I've actually known about this superpower for a while. I use it all the time in a casual way, but I've been kind of ignoring it professionally, hoping it would either go away or turn itself into a job description so that I would know what to do next. Because it is easy for me to see the picture on other peoples' box tops but for myself, it's more murky and today I was not being brave, despite what I wrote in my last post.

Fortunately the Universe sent not just one but three kind people to remind me to stay open, to trust and have faith that I will be okay.

Thank you, Universe.

Here's the thing: I know what's in the picture on my box top - it's the life I want.

But I can't see the individual puzzle pieces so I don't know how I get from here to there and that's what's stressing me out.

I guess the point is that I get there. From here. And right now it's not my job to know how. This is, in the words of a woman far wiser than me, one for the Universe.

So tonight I offer it up. I am going to let go. I am going to exhale. I might pour a big glass of wine. And I'm going to trust that the Universe will see that everything happens exactly as it's meant to.

Thank you, Universe.

*and awesomely!
**not in my budget. Fortunately also not available anymore so not even a temptation.
***I was excited. I have been a very good kid!

****Yay for her, plus...I rule!

Being brave

2010-01-18T18:33:00.000-08:00

I heard this yesterday:

It's not brave

if you're not scared.

So today - and every day from now on - I'm not going to be scared.

I'm going to be brave.

xoxo

M's wishes

2010-01-18T14:58:00.000-08:00

These are Mel's wishes:

I wish for Pixar offer a job to my husband and for us to have the money to actually do the move to San Francisco.
Oh and then I'd like to meet up for a coffee with you:)

M - now I'm wishing for them too because I want your family to have these blessings and I would love to have coffee with you!

xoxo

PS: yours is ticket 232002

Jolie's wish

2010-01-17T10:56:00.001-08:00

Jolie's is the first wish in the bowl and it is ticket #232001.
She wishes for windfall to attend Squam by the Sea this year.
Jolie, I wish this for you too.
xoxo

Wishes for you

2010-01-17T08:04:00.000-08:00

I found this roll of wish tickets in a wonderful little store yesterday and brought it home so now you can make wishes too. Come on over - everyone who comes over gets a wish ticket - or you can call, post a comment or email me and I'll write your wish on a ticket, put it in a special bowl and send you the ticket number.*

xoxo

*Kind of like an order confirmation: "This confirms your wish for world peace..."

Broken is a gift

2010-01-15T14:39:00.000-08:00

That was the message in yoga yesterday and the latest addition to the manifesto:

Broken is a gift.

While traveling in India this past December, this yoga teacher visited a sculptor of Hindu deities. Fairly quickly, she said, she selected a statue for herself but as the visit went on, she found herself drawn to another - of a woman who was both fierce and beautiful* - and this is the one she ultimately purchased.

Upon inquiry, she learned that this was a local goddess named Mariamman - not a major deity - who was once a mortal woman. There are different myths about her origins, but here's the one our teacher told in class today:

There was a woman who was a pure and powerful wife of a holy man, and could make miracles happen - like boiling water without a pot - because of her purity. One day she saw two divines making love; she felt envy and lost her powers. When her husband discovered that she had lost her powers, he suspected her of infidelity and ordered their son to kill her.** He cut off her head, but as she revived as the goddess Mariyamman, her head was placed on an Untouchable's body instead of her own.

The point was that she was broken but she came back. She was different, but she was stronger too. Plus she was no longer mortal - she was a goddess.

Broken is a gift.

I have come back again and again to the theme of being broken. I am so very glad that not everyone has gone through shitty shit - I really am - I'm just not used to knowing any of them.

Actually, no, that's not it.

I'm not used to people who dismiss or don't value the challenges they've overcome. I have been broken. Lots of times. And I have mended - differently, but stronger - every time and I think that's what matters. Maybe it's because my early life was somewhat unconventional that I released my attachment to any single idea of how I should be. (Mind you, I was not at all this peaceful while living through it - it was hard and frustrating at times and I clung to familiar ideas as long as I possibly could before embracing new ones, but I became familiar with change and with adaptation. That's what I'm trying to say here.)

But I was recently told by a friend's mom that she has had a really easy life and that when young people from her church come to visit, seeking her advice on marital troubles or struggles with self-identity or making their way in the world, she cannot relate. She offers a safe place to talk, a caring ear, but she has never faced difficulty so she doesn't know what to say to help these young people. I was really surprised when she told this to me in part because I know she has experienced at least two really hard times in her life including the sudden and premature death of her beloved husband. With him she had left a life of comfort and privilege to live all over the world, serve others and give their children advantages and freedom they would not have had in their traditional and hierarchical homeland. She didn't choose their life but she went along and reinvented herself in a way I find extraordinary, but she does not because her sense of how things should be and of her own identity were unwavering. She's very traditional. She values things that are pure and unbroken and meet the standards she was taught as a young girl.

I couldn't be more different.***

I like things that have a history, a story, a struggle. I like scrapes and scars, nicks and scratches. I like things that don't match but still get along. I like people and things that have stories to tell.

So I was reflecting on all this in yoga, sitting there in this somewhat judgmental state**** when we started moving through sun salutations and quite quickly I found myself having to work in cobra pose. My shoulders were so hunched forward I had to pause and physically roll them up and back so that I could lead the pose with my heart.

That's when I realized how closed my heart has been lately.

Closed to different perspectives. Closed because I felt judged. Closed because I don't believe in "perfect" and felt like I was found wanting because of it. Closed because all of this made me angry and frustrated, and instead of talking about the differences in our perspectives I closed up and sheltered my spirit until I could get out of there.

I was broken. Again.

But broken is a gift and I am so grateful for it.

I learn so much every time I get put back together again and I embrace my mended self and I happily and humbly bear my scars and scrapes as mementos of hard work, lessons learned and struggles hard fought.

Next time I'll work harder to keep my heart open, even if it hurts at first, and if it does close up I'll do something about it earlier. Next time I'll share my perspective instead of clamming up. Next time I'll lead with my heart more. Because there will be a next time.

But I'll be ready.

I have the gift of broken.

* I strive for this
**Rude, right? But apparently not uncommon.
***Red flag: hubris. See how my way is right and her's isn't? Serious hubris.
****"Somewhat" might be a bit of an understatement here.

A morning of firsts

2010-01-15T12:50:00.001-08:00

I've had a very big day already (well, big for me) and it's not even 1 pm!

It was a morning of firsts.

I got a notice from my bank about some fees that I was told would be waived but were still appearing on my statement. I called customer service and they said the fees would be waived starting in March. The old me would have said "well, okay, I understand..." but these fees were not my fault - the bank screwed up and I wasn't going to settle this time. I asked who I could speak with to clear up the matter. I was kind but firm and the lady on the line put me on hold for about 5 minutes but then she came back with the news that not only were the fees waived, effective immediately, but that I would get a check refunding past fees that I paid. Yay!*

Second, I haven't heard about the job I applied to but I saw that it's still posted and I figured it might not be too late to get myself noticed after all. So I touched base with my friend's father asking if he'd introduce me to his contact in the hiring department. Another first! The old me would have just let it all linger, waiting in the wings, hoping for some news, any news... And he said yes! Double Yay!

Then I went to the yoga studio near home for the first time. I was late leaving the house, missed every light and felt like I was stuck behind every slow driver on the road. But I got there in plenty of time, found a great parking spot right away and when I walked into the studio and said I'm new - it's my first time here the nice lady behind the desk said welcome. We're so glad you came.

That was all before I got into class and got a whopper of a message. Two actually. And they deserve their own post, so I'll get writing on that after lunch.

All in all it's been a good morning here. I hope yours has been too. xoxo

*Someone's getting a new handbag!

A message. And a second word.

2010-01-14T16:16:00.000-08:00

Today I returned to yoga after a month away and I have missed it. Coincidentally, my teacher was also returning to the studio after a month away and that struck me.* I decided to listen up.

Her theme for the class was about choosing the things we want in our lives and releasing the things we do not - the things that others put on us. She reminded us that people will behave the way that they do, but we can choose whether to accept the energy of others and we can choose to release it. This theme made me cry because I've been feeling limited in my choices lately and I have felt fear and anxiety creep up on me, but it's because I didn't ask for the things I needed - I just accepted what I thought was being put out there by other people.

We practiced breathing in the things we choose and breathing out the things we release. It was good and I thought that was whole of the message for class and I was happy. But then this happened:

We did Ustrasana - Camel pose - which I hate.

I hate Camel because I can't breathe in the pose. I cannot stretch my torso up enough before arching back so that my airway stays open and the feeling is panic-inducing. But I always try. I take the pose, check my breathing (or lack thereof), and then come out of it and take child's pose until the class is done with Camel.**

But today, instead of moving on to another pose, Christy had us try Camel again, but this time we did it with a partner.

At first I resisted. I hate partner poses said the bad voice in my head. But Christy asked me to demonstrate the pose with the woman next to me, so I didn't have a chance to try to get out of it.

So I set up for Camel. I moved into the pose. My partner supported me.

And the world shifted.

For the first time EVER, Camel was a liberating - even joyful - experience! Not only could I breathe, I wanted to sing! I felt like I was flying! It was amazing! Because I could do so much more than if I was doing it alone.

That's when I realized I had my second word for 2010:

Partner

Not just to my S.O. (though I very much want to be a good partner to him), but a good partner to new people. A good partner to strangers. A good partner to acquaintances and people I know but hold at arm's length. A good partner in the world. In my community. In my work. In my relationships. Wherever I am.

I don't have to be everybody's best friend - that's not what I'm saying. But instead of being solo all the time, constantly asserting my independence and anti-dependence, and resisting new energy on any level*** I want to say yes and How can I help you and do what I can to be more connected, more caring, more collaborative. I want to model what I want to see in the world because I think we can all do more if we just give each other a hand sometimes.

I noticed something else with my yoga studio today - they changed the schedule and some of my "regular" classes are no longer being offered. I have resisted going to other yoga studios (closer to home) because I love my studio so much but perhaps this is a nudge from the Universe to get out into the world more. Tomorrow I'm going to try a lovely studio that's quite close to home and I'm absolutely certain the Universe will let me know if I'm on the right path.

xoxo

*I can't explain it, but the Universe keeps sending me messages in yoga.
**Usually accompanied by a huge sigh of relief.
***This may sound nuts, but I even resist having people put their mats next to mine in yoga. It ALWAYS works out and days like today remind me that the Universe always seems to put exactly the person I need on the mat next to mine, but at that initial moment I could stand to be a bit more generous in spirit.

Back home with my wishes

2010-01-14T09:19:00.000-08:00

I have felt so far away from my wishes and my affirmations these past few weeks and I have missed them. It was hard feeling so disconnected - the burden fell on my S.O. to keep me feeling relatively balanced and I'm grateful for his fortitude because it was no small feat at times. I was twitchy towards the end, not to leave him, but to get back to my imperfect, colorful, art-filled, eclectic, comfortable, tree-top nest and I am so glad to be home.

I tried reflecting on 2009 and setting some intentions for 2010 while I was back East, but I really struggled. I just couldn't pull the energy and focus together. I really wanted to adopt a single word as a theme for 2010 and I tried, but every word came out with a question mark attached - like this:

Innovative? Inspired? Inspiring? Interdependent?
Collaborative? Connected? Organized? Elegant?
Embracing? Engaging? Involved? Integrated?

Isn't that funny? None of them seemed quite right and I can see now that all these words were me responding to how I was feeling in the physical and emotional space I was in, and not what I was aspiring to in 2010. It got me a little...fearful, I guess. Fearful that I was so disconnected from my own sense of self and my own life and my own ability to manifest the life I want.

But then I came home and everything shifted back into place.

I had been home for just a little more than twelve hours (most of which was spent asleep!) when I received my word for 2010:

FIRST

It's going to be a year of firsts.

Of saying I will instead of I'm afraid,
I can or I'll try instead of There's no way.
Yes instead of No.
I will try new things.
I will meet new people.
I will go new places.
I will be the first to say hello.
I will do things I never thought possible.
I will think of myself in new ways.*

I think there may be more words to come, so I will stay open and welcome them gladly, whatever they may be.

It is good to be home.

*aha! THAT is what this word is about. That's powerful.